lately

>>Lately I haven't been blogging much. I have been blogging in anger or just in pure stress to use this for an outlet, and recently it has not been working. I have felt so stressed and burnt out that I couldn't remember what I loved about my job. I could see myself getting burnt out and wanting to move to something different and this saddened me. I have loved loved loved my job for the past 2 1/2 years. I have loved every difficult moment because I dealt with problems and I felt empowered afterwards. I loved my students. Their craziness. Their wildness. Their personalities. Their ability to make me laugh on even my worst days. This is not how I felt this year. I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. The things I have been dealing with are nothing I have not dealt with before but I found find myself not being able to deal with them. My endless patience,  energy and love seemed to diminish quickly. I feel awful for my students having to deal with me. Where did it go? Why am I so quickly frustrated? I attribute it to the fact that some of these students I have had for 3 years and I have been telling them the same things for past 3 years and that gets old quickly. But, I am mostly mad at myself because I know I can do better. I know I can create enthusiasm for myself and my students that will hopefully prevent us from driving each other crazy. 

>>Today renewed my hope in myself and my students. We went on a field trip this afternoon. A parent suggested it months ago and I was in too friendly a mood to say no. It was to a farm not far from our school. We have enough drivers and only 2 parents that wanted to go which was nice. I was DREADING this trip. literally dreading. After having no students yesterday I was angry and bitter and I just did not think anyone deserved a fun trip. I had lost the point of why we were attending. I thought it was pointless and I was showing no enthusiasm for this trip at all. The trip there went wonderful. We toured the farm. Learned about how Kiwis grow and went through a maze. We collected Chestnuts and got to see how they are roasted. Picked figs directly from the vine. Got to pick and take home pumpkins and went on a hay ride. Again, normally I would shy away from trips like this because I like to make sure they are educational (a little) and middle school appropriate. This seemed babyish so not only was I dreading it, I was dreading how the kiddos would act as soon as they get bored. they were wonderful. THey were excited. They participated. They enjoyed themselves! This was needed. We came back and wrote thank you letters, which only one student half assed. A student even asked if we could go back again next year! I am happy. I need to remind myself that the students feed off my energy. If I am angry and not excited, then they will feel the same way. If I only use negatives and not positives this affects them. This shows  in their demeanor  I need a constant reminder of this. I hope that my love for this job is not complete gone. I hope I can continue to find my patience and love.