Time.

"Next year in high school is going to be the same horrible drama... except you won't be there to talk to about it all"

ahh.. Jamie. How I worry. This year is rapidly coming to a close. (as in 2 1/2 more days) And my little darling's who I have taught and shaped over the past three years are leaving me. Although I said something similar to this last year, these are the first group of kids I have had for 3 full years. Kids have come and gone, but these boys I met as 5th graders. They came for visit day and I remember their scared faces. I remember them huddled into a corner, afraid to talk to me, to come deeper into their new "middle school" room. And now, they are 15 years old. They are men. They are moving on to the rest of their lives. I worry. About Jamie especially. How much can one person go through with a child? I think back to what I dealt with, with all three of these boys that I have had for three years. What they acted like. How they've grown. How certain things will always be. I think about Phillip throwing rocks at kids heads, laying in the middle of the hallway. Hanging on kids. I think of Jamie, in tears daily. Hating his mom. His life. Unconsolable. I think of John. Not able to hold in his emotions. His negative seeking behaviors. And I look at them now. Going to classes without aides. Having friends. Making in through. Graduating. I just don't know what to do. I feel a bit lost at the idea of them leaving and forgetting me. I feel worried that I can't check up on them daily. Know that someone is telling them how smart they are of them. Someone telling them how PROUD they are of them daily. They may have drove me crazy. I may have thought we'd never make it. But I look at these kids and these are MY kids. 3 years is too long not to care about these kids the way I do. Of course I love them. Of course I worry. Of course they say they will visit and prob never will. Of course I still plan on calling Jamie everyday. He laughs when I tell him he better call me everyday because how can I survive without knowing his every move. Right now, I am the one who knows more than anyone. Every issue, every problem, every scary thing.. who hears first. I do. Who did he tell that he "may or may not have had sex with - i can't remember" to last week. Me. Although these kids have put me through the ringer. And although there have been more sighs and struggles than good times, I know I pushed them. I know I have pushed them to be the best kids, students, people they can be. I am so proud to have been a part of their lives these last 3 years, and I almost feel lost not having them there. I knew what to expect with them. I knew I could rely on them to be the kids I knew they were. And now, we have 5 new 5th grade boys coming in, and I am unsure how to react. I feel lost without my 3 boys who I know would help me out. I know they would let the new guys know that I am more good than bad, more fun than scary, more learning than games, but more worth it than not. I am so proud of who they are, but I'm scared. Mostly for myself because I know they are going to be great. Is this how it feels to have kids and watch them grow up? Know it's for the best but hating every minute? Worst and best thing ever.

sadness

>>I am suddenly experiencing intense sadness about my students who are graduating this year. How can it be that I will not see Jamie everyday anymore? I have having this uncontrollable worry creeping up on me. It's purely a selfish thing. I love being in their lives. All 3 of them. Those little guys that came to visit as 5th graders during my first year of teaching. The 6th graders who I have raised. At least it feels like I raised. I may have said that the kiddos that graduated last year were my first kids that I had for three years in a row. And this is true. but, I only had those kids for 3 months of their 6th grade year. These guys have spent a total of 180 days for three years with me. I am so worried. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Is this what it feels like to try and let your kids be independent? To give them room to grow. It's hard.

Good.

>>Things are good. We are hitting a good stride and of course with only 4 months to go. Jamie is going moving right along, and ready for high school. It's amazing to think about these kids. Think about them on their first day of 6th grade. Actually 5th grade when they came for a visit. Think about how scared they were and now how big they've grown. I can only imagine how it is for their parents. In fact, there are times when I feel like i know more than their parents do. This sounds like an awful thing to say but I am a mix. I am a mixture between adult and confidant. These kids can talk to me about things they can't talk to their parents about, but they also respect me and care about me. I feel the same way about them. Although I know being a parent is MUCH harder because you have to play the bad guy, I feel like I am seeing through to how it is to have kids. I have SUCH a good relationship with all my students, especially Jamie. But really all of them. I love being this kind of friend but adult in kids lives. Being fun but responsible. It's such an amazing balance. Today, it was valentines day. We had a blast balancing lots of school work with a little bit of partying and candy eating in the afternoon. Jamie called me tonight to BEG me to go to a movie with him and few other adults in his life, but I declined.
>>I felt real love today, and that's what valentines day is all about.

absent.

You want a feel really good about your job? Know that you make a difference and that you are appreciated? Go to a training with all your paraprofessionals and have a sub for yourself and two subs for your aides who have never worked in your classroom before. Leave all 11 of your kiddos with "fun work" to complete just so they are staying busy and not acting out of control. Then.. come back the next day. I have never felt so much love and importance. So far... around 5-6 teachers came up and discussed a problem they had with my student. (one in particular that was missing for around 30 mins Monday morning) They expressed how they tried to help, and I had to reply "well I wasn't here on Monday". It showed how much I actually have control over my kiddos. Then listen to my students say, "yesterday was such a waste! why should we have even come to school, we just hung around" Wait.. what. You didn't want to just completed fun valentines day packets? "of course not!" I love it. They felt like it was a waste. They didn't like the subs, and they told me to never leave again.
If thats not true love, I'm not sure what is.

Quotes:
Jamie: Ya know.. I love you like.. uhm.. a sister!

Phillip: I dream.. I dream I save batgirl from shark. I kill shark with knife!

Phillip: Wow. your cute Carl.
Jamie: What about me?
Phillip: Oh, you're tall cute.

Long time

>>I had the scare put into my by someone who found my blog too easily. They knew me in real life (not blog world) and I appreciate them letting me know how easily they found this blog and knew it was me. Therefore I did not write. I wrote quiet frequently in a journal to remember  - to vent, but not there. So I will try to write more often here now that things have been changed and hopefully I am not so easily found.

>>This year has been nuts. I am not exactly sure if it has been this nuts in the past even though I seem to think that's the way it is. I wasn't feeling a connection to ANY of my students. I was struggling with finding my caring, patient love for these kiddos and I knew it. I hated the way I was. I hated the way I felt. I felt hopeless. I mostly blamed it on one kiddo. But looking back I just wasn't giving any of them what they needed and that needed to change. The winter break helped. I'm not sure what changed my mind set. Maybe the total and complete break down I had on the last full day of school before break. I snapped. Not in a yelling screaming kind of way. Just a shut down, I want nothing to do with any of you kind of way. I didn't even buy my students christmas gifts. I felt so deflated.

>>But now things are different. I am taking time to talk. To ask my students how their day is. How their life is. they need this. I have learned so much about my students over the last two weeks. I am laughing with them, joking, finding that it wasn't too late to savage this school year. My students have been working their tooshes off. We have knew amazing curriculum that I have been trying to cram into the days in addition to the things I think are important. Reading. We need 40 hours in the day to work on reading. If only. Phonics and sight words, reading comprehension and fluency, word problems and writing skills, sentence editing and spelling. There isn't enough time in the week. But we are finding it. We have a good schedule set and the only problem I am finding is that I want to do everything with them, but I can't. I have to let my aides do something, and it's hard because I want to listen, I want to help, I want to push, I want to reach those goals, but I can't do it all.

>>Jamie is having a hell of a year. He is back at the children's receiving home. No longer in his AWFUL foster placement. He's struggling and I am struggling with him. I feel helpless and I struggle with my desire to just file to be his foster parent. Everyday for a split - well maybe more than a spilt - I think I could be what he needs. I could be that balance between fun and work. Between learning and family. Between structure and home. But then I have to rethink. I have to step by and really evaluate what that would mean. How it could ruin what relationship we have. Things are going to change after 5 months when he graduates from my class and is officially not my student anymore and I dont want to jeopardize being there for him for the next years of his life. His life is in a constant state of moving and disorder, and how can you learn how to learn in that state? He's sure trying, and I am trying to teach him.

hmm

>>I have not been blogging lately. I am tired. Still. Things have not gotten much better. I have been working my little butt off, and it's not easy. So, I have been writing. Writing when I feel stressed instead of blogging. It's been pretty good. But, sometimes it's easier to blog. I remember  how much fun i had with my 8th graders toward the end of last year. We could joke and chat and have a good time, but they worked while we did it. This is not possible in my current class. We need to reduce distractions, and with this goes a lot of the fun. How to find a balance between fun, and learning and high standards. I'm not sure. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
I'm done.

lately

>>Lately I haven't been blogging much. I have been blogging in anger or just in pure stress to use this for an outlet, and recently it has not been working. I have felt so stressed and burnt out that I couldn't remember what I loved about my job. I could see myself getting burnt out and wanting to move to something different and this saddened me. I have loved loved loved my job for the past 2 1/2 years. I have loved every difficult moment because I dealt with problems and I felt empowered afterwards. I loved my students. Their craziness. Their wildness. Their personalities. Their ability to make me laugh on even my worst days. This is not how I felt this year. I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. The things I have been dealing with are nothing I have not dealt with before but I found find myself not being able to deal with them. My endless patience,  energy and love seemed to diminish quickly. I feel awful for my students having to deal with me. Where did it go? Why am I so quickly frustrated? I attribute it to the fact that some of these students I have had for 3 years and I have been telling them the same things for past 3 years and that gets old quickly. But, I am mostly mad at myself because I know I can do better. I know I can create enthusiasm for myself and my students that will hopefully prevent us from driving each other crazy. 

>>Today renewed my hope in myself and my students. We went on a field trip this afternoon. A parent suggested it months ago and I was in too friendly a mood to say no. It was to a farm not far from our school. We have enough drivers and only 2 parents that wanted to go which was nice. I was DREADING this trip. literally dreading. After having no students yesterday I was angry and bitter and I just did not think anyone deserved a fun trip. I had lost the point of why we were attending. I thought it was pointless and I was showing no enthusiasm for this trip at all. The trip there went wonderful. We toured the farm. Learned about how Kiwis grow and went through a maze. We collected Chestnuts and got to see how they are roasted. Picked figs directly from the vine. Got to pick and take home pumpkins and went on a hay ride. Again, normally I would shy away from trips like this because I like to make sure they are educational (a little) and middle school appropriate. This seemed babyish so not only was I dreading it, I was dreading how the kiddos would act as soon as they get bored. they were wonderful. THey were excited. They participated. They enjoyed themselves! This was needed. We came back and wrote thank you letters, which only one student half assed. A student even asked if we could go back again next year! I am happy. I need to remind myself that the students feed off my energy. If I am angry and not excited, then they will feel the same way. If I only use negatives and not positives this affects them. This shows  in their demeanor  I need a constant reminder of this. I hope that my love for this job is not complete gone. I hope I can continue to find my patience and love.