>>I had the scare put into my by someone who found my blog too easily. They knew me in real life (not blog world) and I appreciate them letting me know how easily they found this blog and knew it was me. Therefore I did not write. I wrote quiet frequently in a journal to remember - to vent, but not there. So I will try to write more often here now that things have been changed and hopefully I am not so easily found.
>>This year has been nuts. I am not exactly sure if it has been this nuts in the past even though I seem to think that's the way it is. I wasn't feeling a connection to ANY of my students. I was struggling with finding my caring, patient love for these kiddos and I knew it. I hated the way I was. I hated the way I felt. I felt hopeless. I mostly blamed it on one kiddo. But looking back I just wasn't giving any of them what they needed and that needed to change. The winter break helped. I'm not sure what changed my mind set. Maybe the total and complete break down I had on the last full day of school before break. I snapped. Not in a yelling screaming kind of way. Just a shut down, I want nothing to do with any of you kind of way. I didn't even buy my students christmas gifts. I felt so deflated.
>>But now things are different. I am taking time to talk. To ask my students how their day is. How their life is. they need this. I have learned so much about my students over the last two weeks. I am laughing with them, joking, finding that it wasn't too late to savage this school year. My students have been working their tooshes off. We have knew amazing curriculum that I have been trying to cram into the days in addition to the things I think are important. Reading. We need 40 hours in the day to work on reading. If only. Phonics and sight words, reading comprehension and fluency, word problems and writing skills, sentence editing and spelling. There isn't enough time in the week. But we are finding it. We have a good schedule set and the only problem I am finding is that I want to do everything with them, but I can't. I have to let my aides do something, and it's hard because I want to listen, I want to help, I want to push, I want to reach those goals, but I can't do it all.
>>Jamie is having a hell of a year. He is back at the children's receiving home. No longer in his AWFUL foster placement. He's struggling and I am struggling with him. I feel helpless and I struggle with my desire to just file to be his foster parent. Everyday for a split - well maybe more than a spilt - I think I could be what he needs. I could be that balance between fun and work. Between learning and family. Between structure and home. But then I have to rethink. I have to step by and really evaluate what that would mean. How it could ruin what relationship we have. Things are going to change after 5 months when he graduates from my class and is officially not my student anymore and I dont want to jeopardize being there for him for the next years of his life. His life is in a constant state of moving and disorder, and how can you learn how to learn in that state? He's sure trying, and I am trying to teach him.
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