hmm

>>I have not been blogging lately. I am tired. Still. Things have not gotten much better. I have been working my little butt off, and it's not easy. So, I have been writing. Writing when I feel stressed instead of blogging. It's been pretty good. But, sometimes it's easier to blog. I remember  how much fun i had with my 8th graders toward the end of last year. We could joke and chat and have a good time, but they worked while we did it. This is not possible in my current class. We need to reduce distractions, and with this goes a lot of the fun. How to find a balance between fun, and learning and high standards. I'm not sure. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
I'm done.

lately

>>Lately I haven't been blogging much. I have been blogging in anger or just in pure stress to use this for an outlet, and recently it has not been working. I have felt so stressed and burnt out that I couldn't remember what I loved about my job. I could see myself getting burnt out and wanting to move to something different and this saddened me. I have loved loved loved my job for the past 2 1/2 years. I have loved every difficult moment because I dealt with problems and I felt empowered afterwards. I loved my students. Their craziness. Their wildness. Their personalities. Their ability to make me laugh on even my worst days. This is not how I felt this year. I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. The things I have been dealing with are nothing I have not dealt with before but I found find myself not being able to deal with them. My endless patience,  energy and love seemed to diminish quickly. I feel awful for my students having to deal with me. Where did it go? Why am I so quickly frustrated? I attribute it to the fact that some of these students I have had for 3 years and I have been telling them the same things for past 3 years and that gets old quickly. But, I am mostly mad at myself because I know I can do better. I know I can create enthusiasm for myself and my students that will hopefully prevent us from driving each other crazy. 

>>Today renewed my hope in myself and my students. We went on a field trip this afternoon. A parent suggested it months ago and I was in too friendly a mood to say no. It was to a farm not far from our school. We have enough drivers and only 2 parents that wanted to go which was nice. I was DREADING this trip. literally dreading. After having no students yesterday I was angry and bitter and I just did not think anyone deserved a fun trip. I had lost the point of why we were attending. I thought it was pointless and I was showing no enthusiasm for this trip at all. The trip there went wonderful. We toured the farm. Learned about how Kiwis grow and went through a maze. We collected Chestnuts and got to see how they are roasted. Picked figs directly from the vine. Got to pick and take home pumpkins and went on a hay ride. Again, normally I would shy away from trips like this because I like to make sure they are educational (a little) and middle school appropriate. This seemed babyish so not only was I dreading it, I was dreading how the kiddos would act as soon as they get bored. they were wonderful. THey were excited. They participated. They enjoyed themselves! This was needed. We came back and wrote thank you letters, which only one student half assed. A student even asked if we could go back again next year! I am happy. I need to remind myself that the students feed off my energy. If I am angry and not excited, then they will feel the same way. If I only use negatives and not positives this affects them. This shows  in their demeanor  I need a constant reminder of this. I hope that my love for this job is not complete gone. I hope I can continue to find my patience and love. 

Tested

I feel like everyday for the past 2 weeks I am being tested. Tested to be a better teacher. To see what I can handle. My one 6 hour aide will be out a total of 3 weeks, this is only the second. Subs are difficult as I've written before and today I don't have one. To top it off, my 4 hour aide called in with the stomach flu. So that's double no coverage. I know I can do it but there are hoops to jump through before I can make it.
Everyday is something. I need a vacation.

hm..

>>People keep telling me that this is how I feel at the beginning of every year. I find that hard to believe. It doesn't seem to get any easier, and things do not seem to be calming down. I know they will. I know my students will find their grooves. I know my aides will step it up. Lately I am feeling bossy and controlling and I feel like I am having to tell EVERYONE who steps foot into my classroom things that they should already know. This gets tiring. My 6th graders are tiring. They are new, but they come from situations that gave them much more structure and assistance than I give them. Does this make sense? They came from much more restrictive environments. 5th grade in general is much more restrictive. One classroom. One teacher. Less students. But 6th grade is not like that. And I refused create an environment for my students that is like this. One teacher, one classroom, less students. I feel like given time my students thrive in the environment that I have set up for them. But, it takes time. Last year I had very very independent 6th graders so my time did not need to be spent on worrying about what they were doing during their free time. During passing period, during general education classes, during lunch. This year, it is not the case. Things are different and this is exhausting because I am the one picking up the slack. Obviously that is my job, but It's still hard to meet the needs of my 6 other students just because my 3 6th graders require extra attention.

>>Jamie had a rather large melt down this week. Like, 2 years ago kind of melt down. He carries every type of stress with him. Everything everyone in his life shares with him he carries with him and this is stressing him out. He cannot handle even the smallest amount of pressure put on him because of the weight he has carrying from everyone else. How can I take some away from him? I am not sure. Many times this week I have had to tell him "I am sorry I've been so busy.. I am sorry we haven't had time to talk. I am sorry I can't help you more" And always replies with, "it's fine. I understand. You don't have to take time for me" But I do. I care about this kid so much and I want to see him succeed. So, Time needs to be taken to reevaluate my schedule. What I am doing. and Time needs to be taken for Jamie. And Not only Jamie but Phillip and Sophia and John and everyone else in my class. I know many of my blogs this year have been about not having enough time, but it's true. I feel like I do not have enough time in the day. I get to school an hour early. I work continuous throughout the day. Balancing students and adults and paperwork. I will continue to strive for meeting all my students needs.

>>Another added pressure this year is our district is going through whats called a self review. Over the summer our IEPs were ALL gone through and made sure we are in compliance with what is in them. A few of them (I have one) we need to go back and re hold IEPS to make sure boxes are checked correctly, goals or added, or other items changed. We do this because some hire ups choose one district to come through and audit their IEPS. We hope hope hope hope it is not us, but we go through and make these changes to make sure if they do choose us that we will pass with flying colors. Part of this self review is completing service logs for all of our students. This means that every time I see my students (3x a day for each student) I have to document that they are in my classroom receiving their services. This adds another LARGE amount of paperwork that I need to complete now. Balance. Balance Balance.

>>I guess the worst part is I don't even have any funny quotes to share. Is this what burnout feels like? It's only been 3 years.

Feelings

>>Today I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit insane. I felt like I did not sit down for one second even to eat my lunch. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it is not enough to meet the needs of 10 kiddos. It shouldnt be like this. I have never had a problem spreading my love, my concern, my time, but this year.. so far.. I am. I want to be everything for everyone. I want to be there, but I HAVE to draw the line. At a certain point, I have to promote independence. I have to let them just TRY. and then I get emails at 7pm at night complaining about how children are miserable. How they are literally MAKING herself puke in my classroom from anxiety.. That makes me feel awful. How to set limits and give myself some time to breathe while also being everything these kids need?

Survival

>>I love my post from the other day. I feel good about my ability to survive the days that ALMOST seem unsurvivable. I read a few blogs, and most of them are either about families, or teacher blogs where teachers post teaching materials. I am proud of my ability to not lose my brain with the daily things I deal with and the constant need of being responsible for 10 children for 35 hours a week. (at least!) I guess this all might sound conceded or stuck up, but it's nice to feel confident about my ability, and to remember why I do what I do.

>>Jamie told me on Friday that he has been having thoughts of suicide. This did not shock me, considering he was moved back into the shelter last christmas because of the same things. After talking a bit during the school day, we continued after school, and we decided to call his advocate, and he immediately came over and talked with us both. I worry about him. I am mostly sure this is a cry for attention, but people actually go through with hurting themselves even if it is just for attention. Jamie has SO much on his plate, and the smallest bit of it is being in my class, and some of the larger pieces involve his current foster care placement. He will be in high school next year, and he is already setting up a schedule of days/times he can come hang out with me and see me. I'm glad, because I am not sure what I would do if I didn't get to keep an eye on him. He has asked me repeatedly "Why cant you just adopt me" And then follows it with "I'm just kidding.. i'm just kidding" This is heartbreaking. How to do you explain to a kid with processing disorders that the relationship you have with him right now is how it should/needs to stay. How if you let him live with you, it would ruin what you two have because then instead of being just a teacher and a confident, you would have to be the parent and that would ruin it. This week with all of this craziness, he was neglected. This will happen again this year, but I appreciate his patient with the other students who may be more needy than him and I hope he knows I will always make time for him.

>>Everyday brings new lessons and learning for everyone involved. This sounds so intense and not like me, but I welcome the challenge. I'm excited.

My day..

>>My day at school started this morning when I got to school at 7. Luckily another teacher and I established a coffee deal last week (I buy this Friday, you buy next week) so I had large iced coffee waiting for me. I ran around making copies and copies and copies. Filling folders with work. Chatting about field trips.
740: get a call from a morning yard duty that Phillip had laid down in a puddle of water and was running around soaked and refused to listen to the duty. I took off my nice high heel (for back to school night) shoes, put on my flip flops and go to search for him. Find him. Get him clothing from the nurse. Take him to change. Bell rings to start school.
8: [1st period] Take roll, two different parents come in to have conversations. Listen to announcements. Attempt to get students to sit in their seats and listen, so I can listen, so when their parents ask when a certain activity is I can tell them.
Teach Lang. Arts. Send the 6th graders to their first day of P.E. Explain to my I.A. what to do. Make additional copies. Balance between kids screaming my name and trying to tell me something. Back and forth. 6th graders actually didnt have P.E. Find something for them to do. Finish teaching 2 students how to write a 5 paragraph essay about summer.
9:00: [2nd period] Phillips mom comes in the middle of math time with new clothes. The nurse called her. Talk with her. Teach Math. Explain to I.A. what to do. Explain to student teacher what to do. Talk with New 6th Grade girl (will come up with a name later) about how we need to do our work. Talk with John about how he is now in 8th grade and needs to set a good example. John asks to talk outside. Tells me Phillip said the "F word" on the bus.". Thank John for telling me, but internally think "How the HECK am I going to deal with this" Phillip wants to change. I.A. takes him to the bathroom. New 6th grade boy wants to go with. Hold door closed so he can't run out. I.A. comes back. New 6th boy is happy now. Bell rings.
10:00: [Prep Period] walk papers down to a history class. Find out that Phillip has not made it to history class since changing. Search. Search. Search. Find him alone in my classroom. Walk him to History. Prep for Back to School Night includes punching out letters for a sign in my classroom.
10:50: [My lunch] Write down 3 different ID numbers. Help ALL my students get their lunches. Sit them at a table. Make sure they are okay. New 6th grade boy sleeping at table. Bring him to my classroom. New 6th grade boy immediately falls asleep in the classroom. Girl comes in to drop off backpack. Sophia hurt her knee, comes in with ice. Spends the rest of the lunch time in my room.
11:45: [5th period] 6th graders are supposed to go to science. New 6th grade girl's tummy hurts wants to call her mom 6th boy is still sleeping. Try to wake him up. Nothing. Call mom. Doesnt pick up. Call 6th grade girls mom. Doesn't pick up. She goes to nurse. Try to start girls on their math. 6th-girls mom calls. Discuss her stomach hurting. Go pick her up from the nurse. Bring her back. CAll her mom. She decides to put her head down. They both rest for another hour.
12:30: [6th period] - New 6th grade boy wakes up. Take him to the bathroom. Needs help. Help. He talks throughout. Get back to class and the I.A. has started some new art project with felt letters. Finish and start on Language Arts.
1:30: Pick out reading books. Argue over certain peoples favorite books not being picked. Explain how to act when we are reading. Demonstrate. Begin reading. Stop. Explain again how we act. Read. Stop. Explain again. Start cleaning up for parents tonight. Students ask why. Explain. Free time. Students all want/need/want something. Talk. Talk. Explain. Play Uno. Clean. Phillips mom is picking him up. Calls again, no he is taking the bus. Calls again no pick up. Get kids on bus. Bells rings kids leave.
Try to track down Phillips mom and New 6th grade girls mom. Find Phillips mom. Talk about Football. Wait with New 6th-girl. Wait. Mom comes.

3-5 Go to other job for 2 hours. Eat in the car. Parents night at 6-8:15. 3 parents showed up. (2 of my old students - best part)


>>Wow. Today my head is spinning. I'm tired. But I wanted to blog so I remember how good I am. How I can handle anything.

Back Back Back

>>Officially back to school. I was ready, except for the fact that after each day this week where I had students (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) I was beyond exhausted. I wanted   needed a nap. I was over come with sleepiness and luckily stopped myself from sleeping and instead went to bed at an acceptable 9 pm. Not to mention we had over a week of 100 degree weather I was spent. But, I was ready.

>>The dynamics of my classroom have changed quiet a bit this year [as it seems to do every year]. After 4 rowdy boys graduating last year, I now have an almost even number of boys and girls. THIS IS AMAZING. In special education there is almost always more boys than girls. Times in the past I have only had 1 girl in my class. This year I actually have a entire period with JUST girls. They are peaceful, fun, giggly  and just enjoyable. Also my class is moving toward the more severe end of the special education spectrum. But this is enjoyable too. We get to do a lot more functional academics which end up being way more fun. I am just excited. This is the first year where I have NO nerves before the first day of school. I rocked it. I covered rules, made fun get to know you activities AND completed all of the beginning assessments I needed to get done. I have already put up art activities for next weeks back to school night AND made goal binders for all my students.

>>let's get this year going!

Ack

>>A few weeks ago I went to check my work email because well.. I have issues and obsessions and I CANT not check it for more than a few days (even though I'm sure people will say I am crazy) I received an email from our director special education stating that some how a 5th grade Resource teacher, put 9 new incoming 6th graders into SDC (my class).
Before I go into the scariness of this, I will put some background into the continuum of special education.
>>So, in terms of placement for students and children the least restrictive environment is general education. This means having all the students classes with the general education students and classes.
Then, comes resource or RSP - This is for students that usually have specific learning disabilities. Students that are capable of attending regular education classes without aide support, but their reading and math skills are below grade level. They usually just attend special education for 1-2 periods a day (Language Arts and Math)
Then comes my class - SDC (special day class)  My students have a greater need of support. Have lower reading skills. Need support in all general education classes (but are capable of being in there). Usually have more than 2 periods a day in special education.
Then another type of SDC is functional skills. These students learn skills to function in the world. Laundry. Shopping. managing money. making lists. using public transportation. etc.

>>many of my students could possibly handle a bit of resource classes and a bit of functional skills. We are the middle jumble.
Anywho, after reading this email I proceeded to freak out. Starting next year with 20 students? With 11 6th graders is almost impossible. It is mostly impossible because my 6th graders attend general education PE, electives, and science. 11 SDC student cannot attend the same periods of general education classes. Usually 2-3 SDC students in one period is enough. It is overwhelming for the aide in there AND very overwhelming for the general education teacher who has to modify curriculum for them. So, what do I do? I will have to split them into groups of 4 and put them ALL in different classes. THEN, this means I have 20 students in my class during 7th period when I have all my students in my class. I am beyond upset at the 5th grade RSP teacher that did this without contacting me. Another 5th grade RSP teacher emailed me during the last month of school and I attended her students IEPs. I put in my insight as to their classes next year, and i was even able to say "no, this student should be with resource". Why wouldn't t his teacher do this as well? 

>>My director of spec ed. is upset because this should not have happened under her nose. But, who knows what will happen. We are going to meet and discuss the students next week (yes during summer) to see what we are going to do. I am trying my darnestt not to flip out but I do not know if I can handle 3+ aides again and 20 students. Ack! Keep calm and carry on.. isn't that what they say? 

summer

>>It is summer. It has only taken me 2 almost full days to decompress and relax. It took me getting away from home and staying elsewhere for me to really really feel it. As predicted the last week of school was almost hellish. I was so disorganized and out of control that it was over within a second and I felt my kids run off to summer without so much as a hug (it felt like) Last minute IEP's that havent been affirmed, goals that need updating, T.A.s that did not get cards, aides that did not get recognized, 8th graders without presents. I feel badly that so much was slipped through the cracks. I got roped into reading off students names at graduation, so for at least 2+ hours Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I was at grad practice. I am not sad I did it. In fact, it made me feel more like part of the school than I have the whole 2 1/2 years I have been there, but it took time. It took time away from my other students. Granted, I will see most of these kids next year, and my 8th graders needed my time and attention this week. But I hate to leave other unattended. I say this every summer. I worry about my kiddos when I am not able to see them everyday. How do I know they are being taken care of? Eating? Showering?

>> Monday I got home at 6:30. Tuesday had an hour and a half IEP then rushed straight to our staff party, and then didnt get home until 8. Wednesday was picnic day, got back to school at 530, went out with teacher friends and didnt get home until midnight. Final day of school grad practice, random parents showing up at school to "chat with me" about IEP stuff. Running back and forth craziness. Kids running off when the bell rings. I worked, went home, changed and went to graduation until 9 at night. Craziness . ( I know, how many times can i say that?)

>>During the last day of school, Nick came up to me and asked: "Hey, Do you think sometime this summer you would want to come watch me ride my dirtbike?" I told him Of course I would! I would love to! His face lit up. Later he came up and said, "yea know. I don't know if you will be able to find the place. How will you find it?" So, I gave in. I looked at that excitement and I wrote down my cell phone number. I explained that he should feel very special because I do not give this out to anybody. I said he should not abuse it, but give it to his mom when he got home and Call me sometime this summer so I can come watch him ride. Later, he was on the phone with his mom and he said "I ask miss ___ if she wanted to come watch me ride my dirt bike this summer! She said yes! I have her number so I will give it you when I get home"
.. worth it.

Sam. My little Sam. One of the few I have had all 3 years. All grown up. Had brain surgery just months ago, and he's back and full of life. He came up afterwards and said, "but can't I have your number too? What if I have an emergency and I need your help!"

How do you respond to that? Apparently I am a sucker.

3 1/2

>> 3 1/2 more days of school. Bittersweet.. crazy. fun... so many words can describe how I am feeling. My new student left as quickly as he came, and I never had a chance to really reach him. 4 days is hardly easy to connect with a kid, especially a kid who has moved around to many schools and puts up a tough front. I feel badly because I went into the situation angry because getting a new student the last 10 days of school hardly seems fair. (to me, or the kid) I didn't give anyone a fair chance, or a fair shot but, I am happy to say we survived each other. It's depressing to know that the 5 days or so he was with us, were the worse behaved my kids were the entire year. One student can change all the dynamics. Sad.

>>This week is going to be crazy and busy. Monday I have a IEP, and work after school. Tuesday last IEP of the year and the school staff party. Wednesday is picnic day, and Thursday is the last day of school and graduation. I have 5 kiddos leaving me this year. And I think I might just cry during graduation. Sad.. I don't want to think about it.

New student

I know I mentioned a new student in my last post. Ahhhh he started yesterday. And he's proving to be difficult. It's so hard to have someone come in and mess up the good relationship my students have with me and one another. While dealing with his dispectful attitude and I turned to continue working with nick and he replied "hey.. At least it is only 10 days and not the whole year" kids are so on top of it.

I feel badly. I hold no love for this student at the moment. I know if I had him for a whole year it would be different, but when on the second day you're in my class you are calling me a bitch and my students care about me enough to come tell me then you are not good for the juju in my room. We will survive and I will kill him with kindness and hope that I can win him over in the next 10 days.

Internet issues

Internet issues so I am posting from my phone. Excuse the short post. 12 days left of school. I am getting a new student on monday. Yes. 12 days before the end of school. When we are supposed to be having fun, enjoying the days before summer, enjoying the last time we will see the 8th graders before they go to high school I am getting a new kiddo. Apparently he has a lot of behavior problems, but we will make it through.
I am already going through withdrawals of my 8th graders. I am going to miss them so much next year I can hardly imagine what it's going to be like. These guys make my days better and make my job fun! A few of them I have had since they were 6th graders. I have watched them grow up. I am proud of the people they have become. An I hope that I know them in the future.
Teaching is tough business. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

End of days

>> We have exactly 22 days left of school. In exactly a month we will be saying good bye. This will probably going to be one of those hard ones. This is the first group of kiddos I have had for all 3 years. Watching them grow up and change and learn. I am going to miss them, and I am going to worry about them.

>>Sam is back at school with a big ol' scar running from ear to ear. He is taking life in strides, but has retained his sense of humor and good attitude. I am so glad he is alright and that nothing more serious (well, except brain surgery) had to happen.

>>I went to my first out of state conference this past weekend. A few colleagues and I got to fly out of town to attend the Love and Logic seminar. The difficult part of this was that this is a parenting class and 3 out of the 5 of us that attended do not have children. I guess in the near future we will teaching district parents the steps to Love and Logic. There was a lot that was very interesting. But, again hard to implement in my classroom. One item I did like was telling my students "I love you but I'm not going to argue with you." My students at first were weirded out, but it came down to the fact that of course I love them. They thought this was hard to believe. I tried to explain that there are different types of love. Love that you feel for your family, your friends, etc. And I care and love them all very much. I actually think this made them feel happy and special. Many people may think it is weird to tell their students this but in my room it is a whole different world.

>>I talked with Sam for almost 30 minutes today about his family and his parents fighting a lot. He has told me aboutr this before and things are more difficult now that his sister is home. We talked about this and I let him tell me about how he was feeling and what he thought when his parents discussed divorce. Carl had to add in that "this is school time not personal talking time". I explained to Carl that this class is different. We sometimes need help to talk through difficult situations, and sometimes we just need someone to listen. I exoplained that I never expect him to tell me anything personal about his life, but if he ever needed to just talk I wouldnt hestitate to listen and be there fo rhim. I love this aspect about teaching. I love the good relationships i have with my students. I enjoy being there for them and I wish there was more I could do. I don't look forward to June when 5 of them graduate and then I need to worry and wish I had a way to keep in contact with them. I swear I need like a teacher facebook so they can be my friend and contact me. I wonder if anyone has any ideas on how to make this work.

>>So many funny things happen daily in my room that I wish I could just tape them all. I think a twitter is in order - Will update soon and let people know what I find out.

Spring has sprung

>> Spring has sprung in my classroom. I know I haven't posted anything of substance lately, but quotes will have to do. THe boys in my classroom are in full crude middle school humor. Enjoy. Carl: It feels like techno music when my heart is beating. -- Nick: I heard all the girls in high school are stuck up... so there goes my chance. -- (while using magnetic poetry) Carl: Pull up.. I need pants! -- Seth: I have an innie outtie! (pulls up shirt and shows bellybutton) -- Seth: DId you know that some elephants get indigestion when they eat peanuts? -- Carl: Yes. This is your penis.. I mean pencil! -- (Bell rings to go home) Jamie: HAPPY DILDO DAY!

almost a month

>>Yes, almost a month since I last posted. A lot but almost nothing has happened during that time. My home hospital student came out of the hospital but then just went back in today. (I think she will be okay this time). Today we found out that Sam had a sinus infection that his doctor did not take care of so it extended to his brain. Yes. Bad. He had surgery today and we are all very scared.

Here are some quotes that have been saved over the past few weeks.

Me: just because they have braces doesnt mean they are ugly (referring to girls)
Carl: But they can bite your tongue off.

--

Phillip: Life plan.. 15 years old new laptop. 16 years old new cell phone. 17 years old new car. 18 years old new job.

--

Carl: I gotcha bro. Yes, I call her bro. She's my bro.

--

Carl: Could you translate "once you go black you never go back" for me?

--
Jamie: I need to get some knee pads
Carl: your girlfriend needs to get knee pads.

Quote

I am totally proud that I taught my class all day today with only 1 part time aide. I am awesome.

Student: you look tired today
Me: you know, that's not nice to say to someone.
Student: why? What's wrong with that? You do look tired.
Me: well I'm not tired so that's not a nice thing to say.
Student: I didn't say you were tired I just said you looked it.
Me: okay. Drop it.

Goals

>> Another blogger I know over at Scooping it up wrote a post about goals. It got me thinking. I have many goals for myself as a teacher. Why not share?

First of all I want to plan more lessons.
My class is based on schedules, and doing the same things weekly. Wednesdays are writing day. Thursday and friday are fluency reading. Monday and Tuesdays are phonics/workbooks. (These schedule needs to be extended into math too, but L.A. is pretty steady now.) I have to clear my credential, so I am required to write up lesson plans, create goals and this year I have focused on writing because it is not my strong area. In fact in the beginning of the year we NEVER did it. Anyways, this past few months I have been focusing A LOT on writing rubrics and my students initiating their own learning through using rubrics. Wednesday I did a lesson where students had to create their own rubrics using past writing examples of their own as well as ones i made. my students LOVED IT. They requested we leave the examples up all year so they could look at them and use them while they are writing. They were excited. They explained their reasoning and why they graded certain things certain ways. I LOVED IT. It did not take me long to plan. But, if I could try and do something exciting like this once a week. A fantastic different kind of learning experience. I would be proud of myself.

2: develop a good way to track students goals.
Currently I have a huge binder in which each student has a divider. Their goals are divided in, and usually a week before goal checks are due, I go through and find work that meets each goal and I check their progress. (we work on goals all the time, but i dont specifically test) I would like to develop a way to test monthly, if not every other week. I would love to be able to send home nicely corrected evidence with every goal, or at least have less estimations, and more analyzing of data.

3. Do not be late on any IEPS.
I will say it is usually not my fault that I am late on IEPs. usually it's scheduling, parents, and my waiting until the last minute. I would like to be EARLY more often then right on time.

4. Have more fun.
A lot of time in my classroom we spend on academics because my students are so far behind academically. I would like to incorporate some more fun learning activities. Art projects. Fun history lessons. Fun science lessons. This goes into my first goal. but I think if I take time to research and work on new exciting lessons, we could have a lot of fun.

--

>>I took my students on a reward field trip to a local fast food restaurant today. We had to walk there in the rain. Which wasnt awful. My students did VERY well. I was actually impressed. The worst part was coming back to school and trying to get them back on track for the rest of the day. We survived but, I was also checked out ,and that is never good for anyone. I was being silly and immature, and it is not always the best when I get like that.


>>Next week is the ski trip. Do we remember that from last year? I hope it goes okay.

Quotes

Phillip :
I want to shoot calves in the desert.

Aide: what do you want to learn the most about?
Phillip: soil
Aide: you want to learn about soil?
Phillip: I hate soil
Me: then why do you want to learn about it?
Phillip: because soil is cute.

Phone app

>>I decided to start using a phone app for blogger mostly so I can post quotes during my prep and breaks because I always forget them. These week was one of those hellish weeks. There were schedule changes which royally messed up everyone. A half day in the middle of the week. Observations. Assemblies for one grade only. Field trip permission slips. Ahh. We survived. It's done.

>>A student from the other special Ed class came up to me and poked me in the face on Thursday. Who knows why. But I poked him back.

so many things

>>There are so many things as a young teacher I feel ill-prepared or incapable of dealing with. Being a mother figure and the only stable adult in a 13 year olds life is one, dealing with neglected students another, but this one takes the cake. My home hospital student (the girl with CP, who has non-stop seizures) is very very very sick. She's been in the hospital for 2 weeks. The first two she was on a bipap machine to help her breath, and now she is on a ventilator. We went to see her today, and wow. I do not know if I am prepared to deal with this. There is a very large chance she will not make it. Please keep her in your thoughts. She needs all the good ones she can get.

I MADE A WORKSHEET!

>>While my ever growing obsession with pintrest.... well continues growing. I have slowly been obsessing over how to create my own teacher worksheets that look professional, and have everything I need. I have a student who works on writing letters, tracing and functional sight words, and I have made the following: Well, it won't let me upload. But someday you will the glory that is SPED teacher's beautiful worksheets. They include the student coloring a picture of the word, tracing the word, then writing the word. It gives them practice in many different ways and I love it. I am very proud of myself and now I have a template to put words from all different areas of my curriculum. YAY learning.

Fire alarm

>>Tuesday while I was enjoying my 40 mins of quiet time during my lunch break, the fire alarm went off. The fire alarm never really goes off without teachers knowing about it before hand. This gives us time to prepare. During lunchtime the fire alarm NEVER goes off. So, I quickly rush to the lunchtime room and grab the two of my students that always spent time there. I was looking for Mary who is usually in there too, but was not. We head out to our spot. The entire school is confused. Students who were at lunch are trying to decide where they line up. The other SDC teacher and I are trying to keep our students organized and non-meltdowny (yes, I invented that word) When I get out to the our spot, I see Mary. She looks shaken up. Worried. I assume it's because the fire alarm was going off. Immediately she said "It was me. I pulled the fire alarm. It was me. It was me. ______ told me to do it, but I asked him how to do it. It was my fault" I told the other SDC teacher because ______ is in his class. I found the vice principal, and explained to him what she said. When the office gave us the all clear, I went back to Mary. She continually repeated "I wanted to get kicked out of this school. I did it. I wanted to never come back. Now I won't have to come back. etc. etc. etc." She then refused to come with me to the office. After shouting (well, the most shouting I really would do) That yes you will be getting in trouble but you need to come with me NOW. She followed me to the office. While sitting in the office... the alarm goes off AGAIN. (NOT MY FAULT) students are moving, and confused. Long story short, the fire department came. Mary was yelled out. Talked to. Little did I know that Mary felt like she hated this school and did not want to go here anymore. NOBODY told me that she had been talking like this all day, and actually asked ______ to give her a way to get kicked out of the school. TEACHERS AND AIDES HAD HEARD HER, but nobody told me.

>>Suspended for 5 days.. we will see how Tuesday goes. Rumors spread, and people learned. OF COURSE it was my student that pulled the alarm. OF COURSE. I tried to explain it to my other students about what happened and how this can be a learning experience. They seemed to understand, but that didnt stop this week from being pretty hellish. It's pretty much that time of the year where the students are checked out, and I am tired of lecturing and yelling. Instead, I am now pawning them off into trouble rooms, handing out citations, and giving lunch time detentions. It's the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.

>> In other news, I cleaned out a few cupboards this week and moved around my classroom which made me super happy.

>>and Finally, my home hospital student is VERY VERY VERY sick. She's been in the hospital since Monday. Lungs not working, hooked up to machines, fever continues spiking. Please please please keep her and her family in your thoughts.

>> One of my students pulled the fire alarm during lunch because she wanted to get into trouble..

'Nuff said.

>>Everyday brings new and different challenges. I feel like I get to a point where things are calm, but then something else comes up. It's okay. Take each day as it comes.

>> I have been overly obsessed with the education tab of pintrest. Sooo many good ideas. Soo many fun projects. Sooo many fun worksheets. how do these people make these beautiful worksheets! I want a program that can do that. Help!

So much

>>so much has happened over this past week, I cannot explain it all. Steve, (the student who went on the roof a week ago, and has been caught leaving campus and walking along the side of a busy road) Had a huge major melt-down monday, and as of wednesday we decided to find him another placement. The meeting was strenuous, and insane, and I am still getting text messages from mom trying to make me feel guilty. But, I know it was right. Someday I will explain the incident.

>> Carl, my student from last year, is coming back starting next week. I am really excited because I liked Carl, but I am dreading the idea of yet ANOTHER student. It's okay. We will deal.

>>I have been told by almost everyone in Jamie's life that I am the person he trusts more than anyone in the whole world, and he talks about me all the time. This makes me happy. I know that the relationship we have, is what he needs and I am so glad he is back in my life. I am sad the circumstances that led to this point, but I know that what I am doing is right. I know that spending time with him makes us both feel good. I know that this is above and beyond what other teachers might do, but it makes me feel so happy and worthwhile (with the same for him) that I know it is amazing. I know I will be the person in his life for many years to come and I am glad to be that person.

>>Sam let the word "motor boating" slip out today and I have never seen a student more upset or embarrassed. I am assuming he meant this as something inappropriate, but I felt so badly because he just could not get over the fact that he said that word to me. He came to me and apologized so much and over and over and was sorry. It was cute.

>>Finally, I had a meeting with Nick's mom yesterday and SHE went on and on and on about how much he likes me and my class. She said he comes home and everyday is quoting me, telling her about me, telling what I said or did and how great it is. She is so happy with how well he is doing and fitting in.

ahh. Happy.

>>Oh, and actually I got asked today if I wanted to be "teacher of the lifetime" because of how awesome I am. This makes me feel awesome. Makes it worth it.

Another day..

>>Nick: I don't know why anyone would want to be a teacher. It seems boring.

Me: Trust me you guys are never boring.

>>A few weeks ago (after vacation) I thought to myself, I am sort of a lazy teacher. I sit at my group table. Move back and forth to my desk. Do the same thing almost daily. Never mixing it up. I had not tested my students skills or goals since before break. I RARELY left my classroom. I felt like I was being lazy. I felt like I should be more involved, more proactive. I spoke too soon. Within the last two weeks I have come home EXHAUSTED. I feel like I barely have time to think. I left the house two days last week, locked the door and realized I didn't have my car keys with me. I find myself checking my work email until 9 o'clock and night and REPLYING to emails because there is just so much to do. I have scratch paper notes stuck in every section of my planner to remind me of things that need to be done. I synced my outlook (work) calendar with my phone to ensure that I would remember everything, and that I could add appts. while I am at home and thinking. I had a student climb on the roof. Last week I had a meeting everyday after school (well except friday) 2 on thursday. 2 during school hours, and plus one in the morning. I had duty 3 days last week, an aide change schedule, and took out Jamie mid-week. So far this week, I had a speech teacher pawn off a student to my caseload, a student become violent and get suspended for 3 days. A meeting that lasted until 4 after school and then I brought Jamie home. Tomorrow I have duty, taking Jamie out. Wednesday I have a meeting during my lunch, and a meeting before school. I never again will say that I feel lazy.

>>Quotes: YAY WE"VE MISSED THIS FUN PART!

Phillip: Tomorrow I want to learn how to speak whale.. AHHOOOOHHHOOO.

--

Nick: I am 2 weeks off of energy drinks.. I think I have ADHD.

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Sam: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT I AM A FULL GROWN TEENAGER!

AHH

>> Jamie may be leaving again. Gosh. As it was last year, it is again one of the hardest situations to go through. I feel like I am his ONLY good stable influence. He is a good kid. He is a fun kid. I have SO much fun being with him. They will not let him have a razor at the receiving home, so I kept him after school today and brought him one to use. Then brought him back around 4. I seriously want to bring him home everyday. Let him sit in my house, eat a snack, do some homework, read. All these things a stable household should be. He has NEVER had that. Well, he has lived with two different uncles and they were good. But, they could not handle him so, it did not work out. So what not? He gets moved to another NEW enviornment. ANOTHER new family. ANOTHER new school. How is that fair? When is it too much? When am I caring too much? There too much? I don't think there is a too much, but maybe there is? This is so beyond anything I have been trained to deal with. Caring for these kids, loving this kids. It's hard.

>> so what now? We wait. We wait to see what his social worker does. He has no say in anything because he is under 16. He cannot even talk during his court dates. He needs to be taught to advocate for himself. But, he can't. It's hard. So, he ends up getting moved again and I may never hear or talk to him again? That's what happened after last year, and I thought I'd never see him again, but now he's back so how do we prevent that? How to I ensure he knows I am here for him no matter what, because that's what he needs. This seems so impossible.

difficult

>>If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know about Jamie. Jamie was my student who was at a receiving home for a month last year while he was in transistion between living placements. Well, I know I haven't gone into much detail since Jamie has been back in the receiving home, but well here is some. Jamie left his last placement because he tried to kill himself and they just felt they could not give him the care he needs. They are trying to place him with distant family (who he was with last year) but there is legal issues, so it prob will not go through. So, they are looking at long term foster care for him. This could be good, or it could be bad. I do not want to lose Jamie again. He has had so many people let him down and give up on him and I will not. I just want to be a consistant good role model for him. I want to be in his life, and be there for him. I took him out on an outing today and we had a really good time. He is a good kid and we talked about a lot of stuff. It surprised me to find out that he really trusts me more than anyone else in his life, and he feels like he can talk to me about anything. I want to be this person. I want him to know that I am here for him, and I will be through everything. I almost wish I was not his teacher because I would think about taking him on as a foster child. I know that is crazy, but he needs good role models in his life. He needs someone who will care for him. Make him do his homework, but also have fun. Give him responsiblities and not give up when things get too hard. I can only do so much. It pulls at my heartstrings because what happens if this foster family does not work out. What happens if they treat him badly? It could be that they are amazing, and it's the family hes always wanted and needed, but what if it doesn't. Last time he moved away I did not have much contact with him/his caregivers until he started having problems. So, what happens now? This is such a hard thing to go through and I do not know what is right. I know what I am doing is right. But, is there more? Should I not be getting so close? Should I not take him out and respect the boundaries of being his teacher? What's the line? Where's the line between being a teacher and being a family for this kid? I just don't know.

out of control

>>Have I started my posts with that recently? It feels like everyday my students are out of control. Well I shouldnt say students, I should say student. Most of it revolves around 2 or 3 of my 11. Today:

A student asked to use the bathroom and never came back. We looked. We had to all call them (over the loud speaker) and finally the custodian found him hiding behind a golf cart. Another student was found on the roof, while he had an aide with him, during the one period where I have no support (or aide) I had to call the other SDC teacher to come watch my kiddos while I sprinted down to the girls locker room.

Finally a student was beyond disrespectful, whiney, anger, mean and I finally gave him a citation after 50 warnings and he sat down and cried..

WOW.

better

>>Everyday gets better.. finding common ground with people, making friends, hearing compliments. This is what makes a happy teacher. Hearing that you did a good job.. that's all it takes.

Just a big mess

>>Today was beyond bonkers. I had to ask my students their ages numerous times and say, "okay, then why are you acting like a kindergartener?" I had to lecture, explain, guilt trip, explain, yell, take away privileges and still it continued all day. The following are a few things my students said today. (please excuse the language)

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

All Indians are evil.

Stop being idiots!

I HATE THIS!

I DONT CARE ANYMORE

I just want to go home.

No.

No.

No.

I am acting like a big kid now!

Why would someone donate sperm?

TITS

>>I am not upset. I am not crazed at the moment. I am just tired. I am tired of ragging on them. THEY ARE 12-14 years old! They should know to be quiet when people are working (when they are supposed to be working), to push in their chairs, to not throw their pencils in the box and put it away nicely, they should put their work away in their folders, or hand it to the teacher. THEY SHOULD COMPLETE THEIR WORK. They should GO TO CLASS. I expect a lot from my students even though they all have disabilities, but I also give them the materials and the strength to succeed. I give them all I can give, and I've given them all I can without just doing it for them. Which is what I dont want. Apparently, I need to reevaluate things, because right now they are not working.

>>I explained to my students that I come home and I get in bed at 7 because I am so tired from nagging them all day. I told them how I hate lecturing them, and I am sure they hate me doing it too, but COME ON. They need to put in the effort. I'm tired of it.

Boo on me!

>>Yes. Yes. I am a failure. I havent posted since dec? maybe before. My bad. Break was wonderful. I was beyond lazy, and it was almost impossible to come back. When I came back from break, I was in for a nice surprise. I got a new student (one of which i knew about) and the Jamie. Does everyone remember Jamie? My student from last year who was taken away from his mom? Who lived in the children's shelter through christmas? well, He had moved about 2 hours away with another aunt and uncle. Apparently, he threatened to kill himself, so his aunt and uncle felt they were not a safe place for him and that they could not take good care of him, so he's back at the children's shelter in my town. We are happy to have him back, but this kid comes with so many emotions he is exhausting. Sometimes he takes advantage of the fact that we care so much about it, so it has been a hard transition to give him boundaries.. we are working on it. But, it's still hard.

>>In the two weeks we have been back I have: filed a CPS report on a student, had a student fall out of his chair in another class (while sleeping) and still not wake up, have 2 students pee their pants (on the same day.. and my kids NEVER have accidents), have a longggggggg IEP, a student refusing to bring extra pull-ups when he poops in his pants numerous times a day (and have many many many people comment about how badly my room smells), have the school psychogist walk in while my students are saying the word abortion in many different pitches, try to explain why people would go to a sperm bank, tell my students that the school has cameras and can watch what they are doing so they better be well behaved and have a student almost get suspended because he was eating his shoe.
My life is never boring.