Time.

"Next year in high school is going to be the same horrible drama... except you won't be there to talk to about it all"

ahh.. Jamie. How I worry. This year is rapidly coming to a close. (as in 2 1/2 more days) And my little darling's who I have taught and shaped over the past three years are leaving me. Although I said something similar to this last year, these are the first group of kids I have had for 3 full years. Kids have come and gone, but these boys I met as 5th graders. They came for visit day and I remember their scared faces. I remember them huddled into a corner, afraid to talk to me, to come deeper into their new "middle school" room. And now, they are 15 years old. They are men. They are moving on to the rest of their lives. I worry. About Jamie especially. How much can one person go through with a child? I think back to what I dealt with, with all three of these boys that I have had for three years. What they acted like. How they've grown. How certain things will always be. I think about Phillip throwing rocks at kids heads, laying in the middle of the hallway. Hanging on kids. I think of Jamie, in tears daily. Hating his mom. His life. Unconsolable. I think of John. Not able to hold in his emotions. His negative seeking behaviors. And I look at them now. Going to classes without aides. Having friends. Making in through. Graduating. I just don't know what to do. I feel a bit lost at the idea of them leaving and forgetting me. I feel worried that I can't check up on them daily. Know that someone is telling them how smart they are of them. Someone telling them how PROUD they are of them daily. They may have drove me crazy. I may have thought we'd never make it. But I look at these kids and these are MY kids. 3 years is too long not to care about these kids the way I do. Of course I love them. Of course I worry. Of course they say they will visit and prob never will. Of course I still plan on calling Jamie everyday. He laughs when I tell him he better call me everyday because how can I survive without knowing his every move. Right now, I am the one who knows more than anyone. Every issue, every problem, every scary thing.. who hears first. I do. Who did he tell that he "may or may not have had sex with - i can't remember" to last week. Me. Although these kids have put me through the ringer. And although there have been more sighs and struggles than good times, I know I pushed them. I know I have pushed them to be the best kids, students, people they can be. I am so proud to have been a part of their lives these last 3 years, and I almost feel lost not having them there. I knew what to expect with them. I knew I could rely on them to be the kids I knew they were. And now, we have 5 new 5th grade boys coming in, and I am unsure how to react. I feel lost without my 3 boys who I know would help me out. I know they would let the new guys know that I am more good than bad, more fun than scary, more learning than games, but more worth it than not. I am so proud of who they are, but I'm scared. Mostly for myself because I know they are going to be great. Is this how it feels to have kids and watch them grow up? Know it's for the best but hating every minute? Worst and best thing ever.