hm..

>>People keep telling me that this is how I feel at the beginning of every year. I find that hard to believe. It doesn't seem to get any easier, and things do not seem to be calming down. I know they will. I know my students will find their grooves. I know my aides will step it up. Lately I am feeling bossy and controlling and I feel like I am having to tell EVERYONE who steps foot into my classroom things that they should already know. This gets tiring. My 6th graders are tiring. They are new, but they come from situations that gave them much more structure and assistance than I give them. Does this make sense? They came from much more restrictive environments. 5th grade in general is much more restrictive. One classroom. One teacher. Less students. But 6th grade is not like that. And I refused create an environment for my students that is like this. One teacher, one classroom, less students. I feel like given time my students thrive in the environment that I have set up for them. But, it takes time. Last year I had very very independent 6th graders so my time did not need to be spent on worrying about what they were doing during their free time. During passing period, during general education classes, during lunch. This year, it is not the case. Things are different and this is exhausting because I am the one picking up the slack. Obviously that is my job, but It's still hard to meet the needs of my 6 other students just because my 3 6th graders require extra attention.

>>Jamie had a rather large melt down this week. Like, 2 years ago kind of melt down. He carries every type of stress with him. Everything everyone in his life shares with him he carries with him and this is stressing him out. He cannot handle even the smallest amount of pressure put on him because of the weight he has carrying from everyone else. How can I take some away from him? I am not sure. Many times this week I have had to tell him "I am sorry I've been so busy.. I am sorry we haven't had time to talk. I am sorry I can't help you more" And always replies with, "it's fine. I understand. You don't have to take time for me" But I do. I care about this kid so much and I want to see him succeed. So, Time needs to be taken to reevaluate my schedule. What I am doing. and Time needs to be taken for Jamie. And Not only Jamie but Phillip and Sophia and John and everyone else in my class. I know many of my blogs this year have been about not having enough time, but it's true. I feel like I do not have enough time in the day. I get to school an hour early. I work continuous throughout the day. Balancing students and adults and paperwork. I will continue to strive for meeting all my students needs.

>>Another added pressure this year is our district is going through whats called a self review. Over the summer our IEPs were ALL gone through and made sure we are in compliance with what is in them. A few of them (I have one) we need to go back and re hold IEPS to make sure boxes are checked correctly, goals or added, or other items changed. We do this because some hire ups choose one district to come through and audit their IEPS. We hope hope hope hope it is not us, but we go through and make these changes to make sure if they do choose us that we will pass with flying colors. Part of this self review is completing service logs for all of our students. This means that every time I see my students (3x a day for each student) I have to document that they are in my classroom receiving their services. This adds another LARGE amount of paperwork that I need to complete now. Balance. Balance Balance.

>>I guess the worst part is I don't even have any funny quotes to share. Is this what burnout feels like? It's only been 3 years.

Feelings

>>Today I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit insane. I felt like I did not sit down for one second even to eat my lunch. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it is not enough to meet the needs of 10 kiddos. It shouldnt be like this. I have never had a problem spreading my love, my concern, my time, but this year.. so far.. I am. I want to be everything for everyone. I want to be there, but I HAVE to draw the line. At a certain point, I have to promote independence. I have to let them just TRY. and then I get emails at 7pm at night complaining about how children are miserable. How they are literally MAKING herself puke in my classroom from anxiety.. That makes me feel awful. How to set limits and give myself some time to breathe while also being everything these kids need?

Survival

>>I love my post from the other day. I feel good about my ability to survive the days that ALMOST seem unsurvivable. I read a few blogs, and most of them are either about families, or teacher blogs where teachers post teaching materials. I am proud of my ability to not lose my brain with the daily things I deal with and the constant need of being responsible for 10 children for 35 hours a week. (at least!) I guess this all might sound conceded or stuck up, but it's nice to feel confident about my ability, and to remember why I do what I do.

>>Jamie told me on Friday that he has been having thoughts of suicide. This did not shock me, considering he was moved back into the shelter last christmas because of the same things. After talking a bit during the school day, we continued after school, and we decided to call his advocate, and he immediately came over and talked with us both. I worry about him. I am mostly sure this is a cry for attention, but people actually go through with hurting themselves even if it is just for attention. Jamie has SO much on his plate, and the smallest bit of it is being in my class, and some of the larger pieces involve his current foster care placement. He will be in high school next year, and he is already setting up a schedule of days/times he can come hang out with me and see me. I'm glad, because I am not sure what I would do if I didn't get to keep an eye on him. He has asked me repeatedly "Why cant you just adopt me" And then follows it with "I'm just kidding.. i'm just kidding" This is heartbreaking. How to do you explain to a kid with processing disorders that the relationship you have with him right now is how it should/needs to stay. How if you let him live with you, it would ruin what you two have because then instead of being just a teacher and a confident, you would have to be the parent and that would ruin it. This week with all of this craziness, he was neglected. This will happen again this year, but I appreciate his patient with the other students who may be more needy than him and I hope he knows I will always make time for him.

>>Everyday brings new lessons and learning for everyone involved. This sounds so intense and not like me, but I welcome the challenge. I'm excited.

My day..

>>My day at school started this morning when I got to school at 7. Luckily another teacher and I established a coffee deal last week (I buy this Friday, you buy next week) so I had large iced coffee waiting for me. I ran around making copies and copies and copies. Filling folders with work. Chatting about field trips.
740: get a call from a morning yard duty that Phillip had laid down in a puddle of water and was running around soaked and refused to listen to the duty. I took off my nice high heel (for back to school night) shoes, put on my flip flops and go to search for him. Find him. Get him clothing from the nurse. Take him to change. Bell rings to start school.
8: [1st period] Take roll, two different parents come in to have conversations. Listen to announcements. Attempt to get students to sit in their seats and listen, so I can listen, so when their parents ask when a certain activity is I can tell them.
Teach Lang. Arts. Send the 6th graders to their first day of P.E. Explain to my I.A. what to do. Make additional copies. Balance between kids screaming my name and trying to tell me something. Back and forth. 6th graders actually didnt have P.E. Find something for them to do. Finish teaching 2 students how to write a 5 paragraph essay about summer.
9:00: [2nd period] Phillips mom comes in the middle of math time with new clothes. The nurse called her. Talk with her. Teach Math. Explain to I.A. what to do. Explain to student teacher what to do. Talk with New 6th Grade girl (will come up with a name later) about how we need to do our work. Talk with John about how he is now in 8th grade and needs to set a good example. John asks to talk outside. Tells me Phillip said the "F word" on the bus.". Thank John for telling me, but internally think "How the HECK am I going to deal with this" Phillip wants to change. I.A. takes him to the bathroom. New 6th grade boy wants to go with. Hold door closed so he can't run out. I.A. comes back. New 6th boy is happy now. Bell rings.
10:00: [Prep Period] walk papers down to a history class. Find out that Phillip has not made it to history class since changing. Search. Search. Search. Find him alone in my classroom. Walk him to History. Prep for Back to School Night includes punching out letters for a sign in my classroom.
10:50: [My lunch] Write down 3 different ID numbers. Help ALL my students get their lunches. Sit them at a table. Make sure they are okay. New 6th grade boy sleeping at table. Bring him to my classroom. New 6th grade boy immediately falls asleep in the classroom. Girl comes in to drop off backpack. Sophia hurt her knee, comes in with ice. Spends the rest of the lunch time in my room.
11:45: [5th period] 6th graders are supposed to go to science. New 6th grade girl's tummy hurts wants to call her mom 6th boy is still sleeping. Try to wake him up. Nothing. Call mom. Doesnt pick up. Call 6th grade girls mom. Doesn't pick up. She goes to nurse. Try to start girls on their math. 6th-girls mom calls. Discuss her stomach hurting. Go pick her up from the nurse. Bring her back. CAll her mom. She decides to put her head down. They both rest for another hour.
12:30: [6th period] - New 6th grade boy wakes up. Take him to the bathroom. Needs help. Help. He talks throughout. Get back to class and the I.A. has started some new art project with felt letters. Finish and start on Language Arts.
1:30: Pick out reading books. Argue over certain peoples favorite books not being picked. Explain how to act when we are reading. Demonstrate. Begin reading. Stop. Explain again how we act. Read. Stop. Explain again. Start cleaning up for parents tonight. Students ask why. Explain. Free time. Students all want/need/want something. Talk. Talk. Explain. Play Uno. Clean. Phillips mom is picking him up. Calls again, no he is taking the bus. Calls again no pick up. Get kids on bus. Bells rings kids leave.
Try to track down Phillips mom and New 6th grade girls mom. Find Phillips mom. Talk about Football. Wait with New 6th-girl. Wait. Mom comes.

3-5 Go to other job for 2 hours. Eat in the car. Parents night at 6-8:15. 3 parents showed up. (2 of my old students - best part)


>>Wow. Today my head is spinning. I'm tired. But I wanted to blog so I remember how good I am. How I can handle anything.

Back Back Back

>>Officially back to school. I was ready, except for the fact that after each day this week where I had students (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) I was beyond exhausted. I wanted   needed a nap. I was over come with sleepiness and luckily stopped myself from sleeping and instead went to bed at an acceptable 9 pm. Not to mention we had over a week of 100 degree weather I was spent. But, I was ready.

>>The dynamics of my classroom have changed quiet a bit this year [as it seems to do every year]. After 4 rowdy boys graduating last year, I now have an almost even number of boys and girls. THIS IS AMAZING. In special education there is almost always more boys than girls. Times in the past I have only had 1 girl in my class. This year I actually have a entire period with JUST girls. They are peaceful, fun, giggly  and just enjoyable. Also my class is moving toward the more severe end of the special education spectrum. But this is enjoyable too. We get to do a lot more functional academics which end up being way more fun. I am just excited. This is the first year where I have NO nerves before the first day of school. I rocked it. I covered rules, made fun get to know you activities AND completed all of the beginning assessments I needed to get done. I have already put up art activities for next weeks back to school night AND made goal binders for all my students.

>>let's get this year going!

Ack

>>A few weeks ago I went to check my work email because well.. I have issues and obsessions and I CANT not check it for more than a few days (even though I'm sure people will say I am crazy) I received an email from our director special education stating that some how a 5th grade Resource teacher, put 9 new incoming 6th graders into SDC (my class).
Before I go into the scariness of this, I will put some background into the continuum of special education.
>>So, in terms of placement for students and children the least restrictive environment is general education. This means having all the students classes with the general education students and classes.
Then, comes resource or RSP - This is for students that usually have specific learning disabilities. Students that are capable of attending regular education classes without aide support, but their reading and math skills are below grade level. They usually just attend special education for 1-2 periods a day (Language Arts and Math)
Then comes my class - SDC (special day class)  My students have a greater need of support. Have lower reading skills. Need support in all general education classes (but are capable of being in there). Usually have more than 2 periods a day in special education.
Then another type of SDC is functional skills. These students learn skills to function in the world. Laundry. Shopping. managing money. making lists. using public transportation. etc.

>>many of my students could possibly handle a bit of resource classes and a bit of functional skills. We are the middle jumble.
Anywho, after reading this email I proceeded to freak out. Starting next year with 20 students? With 11 6th graders is almost impossible. It is mostly impossible because my 6th graders attend general education PE, electives, and science. 11 SDC student cannot attend the same periods of general education classes. Usually 2-3 SDC students in one period is enough. It is overwhelming for the aide in there AND very overwhelming for the general education teacher who has to modify curriculum for them. So, what do I do? I will have to split them into groups of 4 and put them ALL in different classes. THEN, this means I have 20 students in my class during 7th period when I have all my students in my class. I am beyond upset at the 5th grade RSP teacher that did this without contacting me. Another 5th grade RSP teacher emailed me during the last month of school and I attended her students IEPs. I put in my insight as to their classes next year, and i was even able to say "no, this student should be with resource". Why wouldn't t his teacher do this as well? 

>>My director of spec ed. is upset because this should not have happened under her nose. But, who knows what will happen. We are going to meet and discuss the students next week (yes during summer) to see what we are going to do. I am trying my darnestt not to flip out but I do not know if I can handle 3+ aides again and 20 students. Ack! Keep calm and carry on.. isn't that what they say? 

summer

>>It is summer. It has only taken me 2 almost full days to decompress and relax. It took me getting away from home and staying elsewhere for me to really really feel it. As predicted the last week of school was almost hellish. I was so disorganized and out of control that it was over within a second and I felt my kids run off to summer without so much as a hug (it felt like) Last minute IEP's that havent been affirmed, goals that need updating, T.A.s that did not get cards, aides that did not get recognized, 8th graders without presents. I feel badly that so much was slipped through the cracks. I got roped into reading off students names at graduation, so for at least 2+ hours Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I was at grad practice. I am not sad I did it. In fact, it made me feel more like part of the school than I have the whole 2 1/2 years I have been there, but it took time. It took time away from my other students. Granted, I will see most of these kids next year, and my 8th graders needed my time and attention this week. But I hate to leave other unattended. I say this every summer. I worry about my kiddos when I am not able to see them everyday. How do I know they are being taken care of? Eating? Showering?

>> Monday I got home at 6:30. Tuesday had an hour and a half IEP then rushed straight to our staff party, and then didnt get home until 8. Wednesday was picnic day, got back to school at 530, went out with teacher friends and didnt get home until midnight. Final day of school grad practice, random parents showing up at school to "chat with me" about IEP stuff. Running back and forth craziness. Kids running off when the bell rings. I worked, went home, changed and went to graduation until 9 at night. Craziness . ( I know, how many times can i say that?)

>>During the last day of school, Nick came up to me and asked: "Hey, Do you think sometime this summer you would want to come watch me ride my dirtbike?" I told him Of course I would! I would love to! His face lit up. Later he came up and said, "yea know. I don't know if you will be able to find the place. How will you find it?" So, I gave in. I looked at that excitement and I wrote down my cell phone number. I explained that he should feel very special because I do not give this out to anybody. I said he should not abuse it, but give it to his mom when he got home and Call me sometime this summer so I can come watch him ride. Later, he was on the phone with his mom and he said "I ask miss ___ if she wanted to come watch me ride my dirt bike this summer! She said yes! I have her number so I will give it you when I get home"
.. worth it.

Sam. My little Sam. One of the few I have had all 3 years. All grown up. Had brain surgery just months ago, and he's back and full of life. He came up afterwards and said, "but can't I have your number too? What if I have an emergency and I need your help!"

How do you respond to that? Apparently I am a sucker.