Long time

>>I had the scare put into my by someone who found my blog too easily. They knew me in real life (not blog world) and I appreciate them letting me know how easily they found this blog and knew it was me. Therefore I did not write. I wrote quiet frequently in a journal to remember  - to vent, but not there. So I will try to write more often here now that things have been changed and hopefully I am not so easily found.

>>This year has been nuts. I am not exactly sure if it has been this nuts in the past even though I seem to think that's the way it is. I wasn't feeling a connection to ANY of my students. I was struggling with finding my caring, patient love for these kiddos and I knew it. I hated the way I was. I hated the way I felt. I felt hopeless. I mostly blamed it on one kiddo. But looking back I just wasn't giving any of them what they needed and that needed to change. The winter break helped. I'm not sure what changed my mind set. Maybe the total and complete break down I had on the last full day of school before break. I snapped. Not in a yelling screaming kind of way. Just a shut down, I want nothing to do with any of you kind of way. I didn't even buy my students christmas gifts. I felt so deflated.

>>But now things are different. I am taking time to talk. To ask my students how their day is. How their life is. they need this. I have learned so much about my students over the last two weeks. I am laughing with them, joking, finding that it wasn't too late to savage this school year. My students have been working their tooshes off. We have knew amazing curriculum that I have been trying to cram into the days in addition to the things I think are important. Reading. We need 40 hours in the day to work on reading. If only. Phonics and sight words, reading comprehension and fluency, word problems and writing skills, sentence editing and spelling. There isn't enough time in the week. But we are finding it. We have a good schedule set and the only problem I am finding is that I want to do everything with them, but I can't. I have to let my aides do something, and it's hard because I want to listen, I want to help, I want to push, I want to reach those goals, but I can't do it all.

>>Jamie is having a hell of a year. He is back at the children's receiving home. No longer in his AWFUL foster placement. He's struggling and I am struggling with him. I feel helpless and I struggle with my desire to just file to be his foster parent. Everyday for a split - well maybe more than a spilt - I think I could be what he needs. I could be that balance between fun and work. Between learning and family. Between structure and home. But then I have to rethink. I have to step by and really evaluate what that would mean. How it could ruin what relationship we have. Things are going to change after 5 months when he graduates from my class and is officially not my student anymore and I dont want to jeopardize being there for him for the next years of his life. His life is in a constant state of moving and disorder, and how can you learn how to learn in that state? He's sure trying, and I am trying to teach him.

hmm

>>I have not been blogging lately. I am tired. Still. Things have not gotten much better. I have been working my little butt off, and it's not easy. So, I have been writing. Writing when I feel stressed instead of blogging. It's been pretty good. But, sometimes it's easier to blog. I remember  how much fun i had with my 8th graders toward the end of last year. We could joke and chat and have a good time, but they worked while we did it. This is not possible in my current class. We need to reduce distractions, and with this goes a lot of the fun. How to find a balance between fun, and learning and high standards. I'm not sure. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
I'm done.

lately

>>Lately I haven't been blogging much. I have been blogging in anger or just in pure stress to use this for an outlet, and recently it has not been working. I have felt so stressed and burnt out that I couldn't remember what I loved about my job. I could see myself getting burnt out and wanting to move to something different and this saddened me. I have loved loved loved my job for the past 2 1/2 years. I have loved every difficult moment because I dealt with problems and I felt empowered afterwards. I loved my students. Their craziness. Their wildness. Their personalities. Their ability to make me laugh on even my worst days. This is not how I felt this year. I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. The things I have been dealing with are nothing I have not dealt with before but I found find myself not being able to deal with them. My endless patience,  energy and love seemed to diminish quickly. I feel awful for my students having to deal with me. Where did it go? Why am I so quickly frustrated? I attribute it to the fact that some of these students I have had for 3 years and I have been telling them the same things for past 3 years and that gets old quickly. But, I am mostly mad at myself because I know I can do better. I know I can create enthusiasm for myself and my students that will hopefully prevent us from driving each other crazy. 

>>Today renewed my hope in myself and my students. We went on a field trip this afternoon. A parent suggested it months ago and I was in too friendly a mood to say no. It was to a farm not far from our school. We have enough drivers and only 2 parents that wanted to go which was nice. I was DREADING this trip. literally dreading. After having no students yesterday I was angry and bitter and I just did not think anyone deserved a fun trip. I had lost the point of why we were attending. I thought it was pointless and I was showing no enthusiasm for this trip at all. The trip there went wonderful. We toured the farm. Learned about how Kiwis grow and went through a maze. We collected Chestnuts and got to see how they are roasted. Picked figs directly from the vine. Got to pick and take home pumpkins and went on a hay ride. Again, normally I would shy away from trips like this because I like to make sure they are educational (a little) and middle school appropriate. This seemed babyish so not only was I dreading it, I was dreading how the kiddos would act as soon as they get bored. they were wonderful. THey were excited. They participated. They enjoyed themselves! This was needed. We came back and wrote thank you letters, which only one student half assed. A student even asked if we could go back again next year! I am happy. I need to remind myself that the students feed off my energy. If I am angry and not excited, then they will feel the same way. If I only use negatives and not positives this affects them. This shows  in their demeanor  I need a constant reminder of this. I hope that my love for this job is not complete gone. I hope I can continue to find my patience and love. 

Tested

I feel like everyday for the past 2 weeks I am being tested. Tested to be a better teacher. To see what I can handle. My one 6 hour aide will be out a total of 3 weeks, this is only the second. Subs are difficult as I've written before and today I don't have one. To top it off, my 4 hour aide called in with the stomach flu. So that's double no coverage. I know I can do it but there are hoops to jump through before I can make it.
Everyday is something. I need a vacation.

hm..

>>People keep telling me that this is how I feel at the beginning of every year. I find that hard to believe. It doesn't seem to get any easier, and things do not seem to be calming down. I know they will. I know my students will find their grooves. I know my aides will step it up. Lately I am feeling bossy and controlling and I feel like I am having to tell EVERYONE who steps foot into my classroom things that they should already know. This gets tiring. My 6th graders are tiring. They are new, but they come from situations that gave them much more structure and assistance than I give them. Does this make sense? They came from much more restrictive environments. 5th grade in general is much more restrictive. One classroom. One teacher. Less students. But 6th grade is not like that. And I refused create an environment for my students that is like this. One teacher, one classroom, less students. I feel like given time my students thrive in the environment that I have set up for them. But, it takes time. Last year I had very very independent 6th graders so my time did not need to be spent on worrying about what they were doing during their free time. During passing period, during general education classes, during lunch. This year, it is not the case. Things are different and this is exhausting because I am the one picking up the slack. Obviously that is my job, but It's still hard to meet the needs of my 6 other students just because my 3 6th graders require extra attention.

>>Jamie had a rather large melt down this week. Like, 2 years ago kind of melt down. He carries every type of stress with him. Everything everyone in his life shares with him he carries with him and this is stressing him out. He cannot handle even the smallest amount of pressure put on him because of the weight he has carrying from everyone else. How can I take some away from him? I am not sure. Many times this week I have had to tell him "I am sorry I've been so busy.. I am sorry we haven't had time to talk. I am sorry I can't help you more" And always replies with, "it's fine. I understand. You don't have to take time for me" But I do. I care about this kid so much and I want to see him succeed. So, Time needs to be taken to reevaluate my schedule. What I am doing. and Time needs to be taken for Jamie. And Not only Jamie but Phillip and Sophia and John and everyone else in my class. I know many of my blogs this year have been about not having enough time, but it's true. I feel like I do not have enough time in the day. I get to school an hour early. I work continuous throughout the day. Balancing students and adults and paperwork. I will continue to strive for meeting all my students needs.

>>Another added pressure this year is our district is going through whats called a self review. Over the summer our IEPs were ALL gone through and made sure we are in compliance with what is in them. A few of them (I have one) we need to go back and re hold IEPS to make sure boxes are checked correctly, goals or added, or other items changed. We do this because some hire ups choose one district to come through and audit their IEPS. We hope hope hope hope it is not us, but we go through and make these changes to make sure if they do choose us that we will pass with flying colors. Part of this self review is completing service logs for all of our students. This means that every time I see my students (3x a day for each student) I have to document that they are in my classroom receiving their services. This adds another LARGE amount of paperwork that I need to complete now. Balance. Balance Balance.

>>I guess the worst part is I don't even have any funny quotes to share. Is this what burnout feels like? It's only been 3 years.

Feelings

>>Today I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit insane. I felt like I did not sit down for one second even to eat my lunch. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it is not enough to meet the needs of 10 kiddos. It shouldnt be like this. I have never had a problem spreading my love, my concern, my time, but this year.. so far.. I am. I want to be everything for everyone. I want to be there, but I HAVE to draw the line. At a certain point, I have to promote independence. I have to let them just TRY. and then I get emails at 7pm at night complaining about how children are miserable. How they are literally MAKING herself puke in my classroom from anxiety.. That makes me feel awful. How to set limits and give myself some time to breathe while also being everything these kids need?

Survival

>>I love my post from the other day. I feel good about my ability to survive the days that ALMOST seem unsurvivable. I read a few blogs, and most of them are either about families, or teacher blogs where teachers post teaching materials. I am proud of my ability to not lose my brain with the daily things I deal with and the constant need of being responsible for 10 children for 35 hours a week. (at least!) I guess this all might sound conceded or stuck up, but it's nice to feel confident about my ability, and to remember why I do what I do.

>>Jamie told me on Friday that he has been having thoughts of suicide. This did not shock me, considering he was moved back into the shelter last christmas because of the same things. After talking a bit during the school day, we continued after school, and we decided to call his advocate, and he immediately came over and talked with us both. I worry about him. I am mostly sure this is a cry for attention, but people actually go through with hurting themselves even if it is just for attention. Jamie has SO much on his plate, and the smallest bit of it is being in my class, and some of the larger pieces involve his current foster care placement. He will be in high school next year, and he is already setting up a schedule of days/times he can come hang out with me and see me. I'm glad, because I am not sure what I would do if I didn't get to keep an eye on him. He has asked me repeatedly "Why cant you just adopt me" And then follows it with "I'm just kidding.. i'm just kidding" This is heartbreaking. How to do you explain to a kid with processing disorders that the relationship you have with him right now is how it should/needs to stay. How if you let him live with you, it would ruin what you two have because then instead of being just a teacher and a confident, you would have to be the parent and that would ruin it. This week with all of this craziness, he was neglected. This will happen again this year, but I appreciate his patient with the other students who may be more needy than him and I hope he knows I will always make time for him.

>>Everyday brings new lessons and learning for everyone involved. This sounds so intense and not like me, but I welcome the challenge. I'm excited.