Time.

"Next year in high school is going to be the same horrible drama... except you won't be there to talk to about it all"

ahh.. Jamie. How I worry. This year is rapidly coming to a close. (as in 2 1/2 more days) And my little darling's who I have taught and shaped over the past three years are leaving me. Although I said something similar to this last year, these are the first group of kids I have had for 3 full years. Kids have come and gone, but these boys I met as 5th graders. They came for visit day and I remember their scared faces. I remember them huddled into a corner, afraid to talk to me, to come deeper into their new "middle school" room. And now, they are 15 years old. They are men. They are moving on to the rest of their lives. I worry. About Jamie especially. How much can one person go through with a child? I think back to what I dealt with, with all three of these boys that I have had for three years. What they acted like. How they've grown. How certain things will always be. I think about Phillip throwing rocks at kids heads, laying in the middle of the hallway. Hanging on kids. I think of Jamie, in tears daily. Hating his mom. His life. Unconsolable. I think of John. Not able to hold in his emotions. His negative seeking behaviors. And I look at them now. Going to classes without aides. Having friends. Making in through. Graduating. I just don't know what to do. I feel a bit lost at the idea of them leaving and forgetting me. I feel worried that I can't check up on them daily. Know that someone is telling them how smart they are of them. Someone telling them how PROUD they are of them daily. They may have drove me crazy. I may have thought we'd never make it. But I look at these kids and these are MY kids. 3 years is too long not to care about these kids the way I do. Of course I love them. Of course I worry. Of course they say they will visit and prob never will. Of course I still plan on calling Jamie everyday. He laughs when I tell him he better call me everyday because how can I survive without knowing his every move. Right now, I am the one who knows more than anyone. Every issue, every problem, every scary thing.. who hears first. I do. Who did he tell that he "may or may not have had sex with - i can't remember" to last week. Me. Although these kids have put me through the ringer. And although there have been more sighs and struggles than good times, I know I pushed them. I know I have pushed them to be the best kids, students, people they can be. I am so proud to have been a part of their lives these last 3 years, and I almost feel lost not having them there. I knew what to expect with them. I knew I could rely on them to be the kids I knew they were. And now, we have 5 new 5th grade boys coming in, and I am unsure how to react. I feel lost without my 3 boys who I know would help me out. I know they would let the new guys know that I am more good than bad, more fun than scary, more learning than games, but more worth it than not. I am so proud of who they are, but I'm scared. Mostly for myself because I know they are going to be great. Is this how it feels to have kids and watch them grow up? Know it's for the best but hating every minute? Worst and best thing ever.

sadness

>>I am suddenly experiencing intense sadness about my students who are graduating this year. How can it be that I will not see Jamie everyday anymore? I have having this uncontrollable worry creeping up on me. It's purely a selfish thing. I love being in their lives. All 3 of them. Those little guys that came to visit as 5th graders during my first year of teaching. The 6th graders who I have raised. At least it feels like I raised. I may have said that the kiddos that graduated last year were my first kids that I had for three years in a row. And this is true. but, I only had those kids for 3 months of their 6th grade year. These guys have spent a total of 180 days for three years with me. I am so worried. I am scared. I don't know what to do. Is this what it feels like to try and let your kids be independent? To give them room to grow. It's hard.

Good.

>>Things are good. We are hitting a good stride and of course with only 4 months to go. Jamie is going moving right along, and ready for high school. It's amazing to think about these kids. Think about them on their first day of 6th grade. Actually 5th grade when they came for a visit. Think about how scared they were and now how big they've grown. I can only imagine how it is for their parents. In fact, there are times when I feel like i know more than their parents do. This sounds like an awful thing to say but I am a mix. I am a mixture between adult and confidant. These kids can talk to me about things they can't talk to their parents about, but they also respect me and care about me. I feel the same way about them. Although I know being a parent is MUCH harder because you have to play the bad guy, I feel like I am seeing through to how it is to have kids. I have SUCH a good relationship with all my students, especially Jamie. But really all of them. I love being this kind of friend but adult in kids lives. Being fun but responsible. It's such an amazing balance. Today, it was valentines day. We had a blast balancing lots of school work with a little bit of partying and candy eating in the afternoon. Jamie called me tonight to BEG me to go to a movie with him and few other adults in his life, but I declined.
>>I felt real love today, and that's what valentines day is all about.

absent.

You want a feel really good about your job? Know that you make a difference and that you are appreciated? Go to a training with all your paraprofessionals and have a sub for yourself and two subs for your aides who have never worked in your classroom before. Leave all 11 of your kiddos with "fun work" to complete just so they are staying busy and not acting out of control. Then.. come back the next day. I have never felt so much love and importance. So far... around 5-6 teachers came up and discussed a problem they had with my student. (one in particular that was missing for around 30 mins Monday morning) They expressed how they tried to help, and I had to reply "well I wasn't here on Monday". It showed how much I actually have control over my kiddos. Then listen to my students say, "yesterday was such a waste! why should we have even come to school, we just hung around" Wait.. what. You didn't want to just completed fun valentines day packets? "of course not!" I love it. They felt like it was a waste. They didn't like the subs, and they told me to never leave again.
If thats not true love, I'm not sure what is.

Quotes:
Jamie: Ya know.. I love you like.. uhm.. a sister!

Phillip: I dream.. I dream I save batgirl from shark. I kill shark with knife!

Phillip: Wow. your cute Carl.
Jamie: What about me?
Phillip: Oh, you're tall cute.

Long time

>>I had the scare put into my by someone who found my blog too easily. They knew me in real life (not blog world) and I appreciate them letting me know how easily they found this blog and knew it was me. Therefore I did not write. I wrote quiet frequently in a journal to remember  - to vent, but not there. So I will try to write more often here now that things have been changed and hopefully I am not so easily found.

>>This year has been nuts. I am not exactly sure if it has been this nuts in the past even though I seem to think that's the way it is. I wasn't feeling a connection to ANY of my students. I was struggling with finding my caring, patient love for these kiddos and I knew it. I hated the way I was. I hated the way I felt. I felt hopeless. I mostly blamed it on one kiddo. But looking back I just wasn't giving any of them what they needed and that needed to change. The winter break helped. I'm not sure what changed my mind set. Maybe the total and complete break down I had on the last full day of school before break. I snapped. Not in a yelling screaming kind of way. Just a shut down, I want nothing to do with any of you kind of way. I didn't even buy my students christmas gifts. I felt so deflated.

>>But now things are different. I am taking time to talk. To ask my students how their day is. How their life is. they need this. I have learned so much about my students over the last two weeks. I am laughing with them, joking, finding that it wasn't too late to savage this school year. My students have been working their tooshes off. We have knew amazing curriculum that I have been trying to cram into the days in addition to the things I think are important. Reading. We need 40 hours in the day to work on reading. If only. Phonics and sight words, reading comprehension and fluency, word problems and writing skills, sentence editing and spelling. There isn't enough time in the week. But we are finding it. We have a good schedule set and the only problem I am finding is that I want to do everything with them, but I can't. I have to let my aides do something, and it's hard because I want to listen, I want to help, I want to push, I want to reach those goals, but I can't do it all.

>>Jamie is having a hell of a year. He is back at the children's receiving home. No longer in his AWFUL foster placement. He's struggling and I am struggling with him. I feel helpless and I struggle with my desire to just file to be his foster parent. Everyday for a split - well maybe more than a spilt - I think I could be what he needs. I could be that balance between fun and work. Between learning and family. Between structure and home. But then I have to rethink. I have to step by and really evaluate what that would mean. How it could ruin what relationship we have. Things are going to change after 5 months when he graduates from my class and is officially not my student anymore and I dont want to jeopardize being there for him for the next years of his life. His life is in a constant state of moving and disorder, and how can you learn how to learn in that state? He's sure trying, and I am trying to teach him.

hmm

>>I have not been blogging lately. I am tired. Still. Things have not gotten much better. I have been working my little butt off, and it's not easy. So, I have been writing. Writing when I feel stressed instead of blogging. It's been pretty good. But, sometimes it's easier to blog. I remember  how much fun i had with my 8th graders toward the end of last year. We could joke and chat and have a good time, but they worked while we did it. This is not possible in my current class. We need to reduce distractions, and with this goes a lot of the fun. How to find a balance between fun, and learning and high standards. I'm not sure. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble.
I'm done.

lately

>>Lately I haven't been blogging much. I have been blogging in anger or just in pure stress to use this for an outlet, and recently it has not been working. I have felt so stressed and burnt out that I couldn't remember what I loved about my job. I could see myself getting burnt out and wanting to move to something different and this saddened me. I have loved loved loved my job for the past 2 1/2 years. I have loved every difficult moment because I dealt with problems and I felt empowered afterwards. I loved my students. Their craziness. Their wildness. Their personalities. Their ability to make me laugh on even my worst days. This is not how I felt this year. I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. The things I have been dealing with are nothing I have not dealt with before but I found find myself not being able to deal with them. My endless patience,  energy and love seemed to diminish quickly. I feel awful for my students having to deal with me. Where did it go? Why am I so quickly frustrated? I attribute it to the fact that some of these students I have had for 3 years and I have been telling them the same things for past 3 years and that gets old quickly. But, I am mostly mad at myself because I know I can do better. I know I can create enthusiasm for myself and my students that will hopefully prevent us from driving each other crazy. 

>>Today renewed my hope in myself and my students. We went on a field trip this afternoon. A parent suggested it months ago and I was in too friendly a mood to say no. It was to a farm not far from our school. We have enough drivers and only 2 parents that wanted to go which was nice. I was DREADING this trip. literally dreading. After having no students yesterday I was angry and bitter and I just did not think anyone deserved a fun trip. I had lost the point of why we were attending. I thought it was pointless and I was showing no enthusiasm for this trip at all. The trip there went wonderful. We toured the farm. Learned about how Kiwis grow and went through a maze. We collected Chestnuts and got to see how they are roasted. Picked figs directly from the vine. Got to pick and take home pumpkins and went on a hay ride. Again, normally I would shy away from trips like this because I like to make sure they are educational (a little) and middle school appropriate. This seemed babyish so not only was I dreading it, I was dreading how the kiddos would act as soon as they get bored. they were wonderful. THey were excited. They participated. They enjoyed themselves! This was needed. We came back and wrote thank you letters, which only one student half assed. A student even asked if we could go back again next year! I am happy. I need to remind myself that the students feed off my energy. If I am angry and not excited, then they will feel the same way. If I only use negatives and not positives this affects them. This shows  in their demeanor  I need a constant reminder of this. I hope that my love for this job is not complete gone. I hope I can continue to find my patience and love. 

Tested

I feel like everyday for the past 2 weeks I am being tested. Tested to be a better teacher. To see what I can handle. My one 6 hour aide will be out a total of 3 weeks, this is only the second. Subs are difficult as I've written before and today I don't have one. To top it off, my 4 hour aide called in with the stomach flu. So that's double no coverage. I know I can do it but there are hoops to jump through before I can make it.
Everyday is something. I need a vacation.

hm..

>>People keep telling me that this is how I feel at the beginning of every year. I find that hard to believe. It doesn't seem to get any easier, and things do not seem to be calming down. I know they will. I know my students will find their grooves. I know my aides will step it up. Lately I am feeling bossy and controlling and I feel like I am having to tell EVERYONE who steps foot into my classroom things that they should already know. This gets tiring. My 6th graders are tiring. They are new, but they come from situations that gave them much more structure and assistance than I give them. Does this make sense? They came from much more restrictive environments. 5th grade in general is much more restrictive. One classroom. One teacher. Less students. But 6th grade is not like that. And I refused create an environment for my students that is like this. One teacher, one classroom, less students. I feel like given time my students thrive in the environment that I have set up for them. But, it takes time. Last year I had very very independent 6th graders so my time did not need to be spent on worrying about what they were doing during their free time. During passing period, during general education classes, during lunch. This year, it is not the case. Things are different and this is exhausting because I am the one picking up the slack. Obviously that is my job, but It's still hard to meet the needs of my 6 other students just because my 3 6th graders require extra attention.

>>Jamie had a rather large melt down this week. Like, 2 years ago kind of melt down. He carries every type of stress with him. Everything everyone in his life shares with him he carries with him and this is stressing him out. He cannot handle even the smallest amount of pressure put on him because of the weight he has carrying from everyone else. How can I take some away from him? I am not sure. Many times this week I have had to tell him "I am sorry I've been so busy.. I am sorry we haven't had time to talk. I am sorry I can't help you more" And always replies with, "it's fine. I understand. You don't have to take time for me" But I do. I care about this kid so much and I want to see him succeed. So, Time needs to be taken to reevaluate my schedule. What I am doing. and Time needs to be taken for Jamie. And Not only Jamie but Phillip and Sophia and John and everyone else in my class. I know many of my blogs this year have been about not having enough time, but it's true. I feel like I do not have enough time in the day. I get to school an hour early. I work continuous throughout the day. Balancing students and adults and paperwork. I will continue to strive for meeting all my students needs.

>>Another added pressure this year is our district is going through whats called a self review. Over the summer our IEPs were ALL gone through and made sure we are in compliance with what is in them. A few of them (I have one) we need to go back and re hold IEPS to make sure boxes are checked correctly, goals or added, or other items changed. We do this because some hire ups choose one district to come through and audit their IEPS. We hope hope hope hope it is not us, but we go through and make these changes to make sure if they do choose us that we will pass with flying colors. Part of this self review is completing service logs for all of our students. This means that every time I see my students (3x a day for each student) I have to document that they are in my classroom receiving their services. This adds another LARGE amount of paperwork that I need to complete now. Balance. Balance Balance.

>>I guess the worst part is I don't even have any funny quotes to share. Is this what burnout feels like? It's only been 3 years.

Feelings

>>Today I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit insane. I felt like I did not sit down for one second even to eat my lunch. I feel like I am doing everything I can but it is not enough to meet the needs of 10 kiddos. It shouldnt be like this. I have never had a problem spreading my love, my concern, my time, but this year.. so far.. I am. I want to be everything for everyone. I want to be there, but I HAVE to draw the line. At a certain point, I have to promote independence. I have to let them just TRY. and then I get emails at 7pm at night complaining about how children are miserable. How they are literally MAKING herself puke in my classroom from anxiety.. That makes me feel awful. How to set limits and give myself some time to breathe while also being everything these kids need?

Survival

>>I love my post from the other day. I feel good about my ability to survive the days that ALMOST seem unsurvivable. I read a few blogs, and most of them are either about families, or teacher blogs where teachers post teaching materials. I am proud of my ability to not lose my brain with the daily things I deal with and the constant need of being responsible for 10 children for 35 hours a week. (at least!) I guess this all might sound conceded or stuck up, but it's nice to feel confident about my ability, and to remember why I do what I do.

>>Jamie told me on Friday that he has been having thoughts of suicide. This did not shock me, considering he was moved back into the shelter last christmas because of the same things. After talking a bit during the school day, we continued after school, and we decided to call his advocate, and he immediately came over and talked with us both. I worry about him. I am mostly sure this is a cry for attention, but people actually go through with hurting themselves even if it is just for attention. Jamie has SO much on his plate, and the smallest bit of it is being in my class, and some of the larger pieces involve his current foster care placement. He will be in high school next year, and he is already setting up a schedule of days/times he can come hang out with me and see me. I'm glad, because I am not sure what I would do if I didn't get to keep an eye on him. He has asked me repeatedly "Why cant you just adopt me" And then follows it with "I'm just kidding.. i'm just kidding" This is heartbreaking. How to do you explain to a kid with processing disorders that the relationship you have with him right now is how it should/needs to stay. How if you let him live with you, it would ruin what you two have because then instead of being just a teacher and a confident, you would have to be the parent and that would ruin it. This week with all of this craziness, he was neglected. This will happen again this year, but I appreciate his patient with the other students who may be more needy than him and I hope he knows I will always make time for him.

>>Everyday brings new lessons and learning for everyone involved. This sounds so intense and not like me, but I welcome the challenge. I'm excited.

My day..

>>My day at school started this morning when I got to school at 7. Luckily another teacher and I established a coffee deal last week (I buy this Friday, you buy next week) so I had large iced coffee waiting for me. I ran around making copies and copies and copies. Filling folders with work. Chatting about field trips.
740: get a call from a morning yard duty that Phillip had laid down in a puddle of water and was running around soaked and refused to listen to the duty. I took off my nice high heel (for back to school night) shoes, put on my flip flops and go to search for him. Find him. Get him clothing from the nurse. Take him to change. Bell rings to start school.
8: [1st period] Take roll, two different parents come in to have conversations. Listen to announcements. Attempt to get students to sit in their seats and listen, so I can listen, so when their parents ask when a certain activity is I can tell them.
Teach Lang. Arts. Send the 6th graders to their first day of P.E. Explain to my I.A. what to do. Make additional copies. Balance between kids screaming my name and trying to tell me something. Back and forth. 6th graders actually didnt have P.E. Find something for them to do. Finish teaching 2 students how to write a 5 paragraph essay about summer.
9:00: [2nd period] Phillips mom comes in the middle of math time with new clothes. The nurse called her. Talk with her. Teach Math. Explain to I.A. what to do. Explain to student teacher what to do. Talk with New 6th Grade girl (will come up with a name later) about how we need to do our work. Talk with John about how he is now in 8th grade and needs to set a good example. John asks to talk outside. Tells me Phillip said the "F word" on the bus.". Thank John for telling me, but internally think "How the HECK am I going to deal with this" Phillip wants to change. I.A. takes him to the bathroom. New 6th grade boy wants to go with. Hold door closed so he can't run out. I.A. comes back. New 6th boy is happy now. Bell rings.
10:00: [Prep Period] walk papers down to a history class. Find out that Phillip has not made it to history class since changing. Search. Search. Search. Find him alone in my classroom. Walk him to History. Prep for Back to School Night includes punching out letters for a sign in my classroom.
10:50: [My lunch] Write down 3 different ID numbers. Help ALL my students get their lunches. Sit them at a table. Make sure they are okay. New 6th grade boy sleeping at table. Bring him to my classroom. New 6th grade boy immediately falls asleep in the classroom. Girl comes in to drop off backpack. Sophia hurt her knee, comes in with ice. Spends the rest of the lunch time in my room.
11:45: [5th period] 6th graders are supposed to go to science. New 6th grade girl's tummy hurts wants to call her mom 6th boy is still sleeping. Try to wake him up. Nothing. Call mom. Doesnt pick up. Call 6th grade girls mom. Doesn't pick up. She goes to nurse. Try to start girls on their math. 6th-girls mom calls. Discuss her stomach hurting. Go pick her up from the nurse. Bring her back. CAll her mom. She decides to put her head down. They both rest for another hour.
12:30: [6th period] - New 6th grade boy wakes up. Take him to the bathroom. Needs help. Help. He talks throughout. Get back to class and the I.A. has started some new art project with felt letters. Finish and start on Language Arts.
1:30: Pick out reading books. Argue over certain peoples favorite books not being picked. Explain how to act when we are reading. Demonstrate. Begin reading. Stop. Explain again how we act. Read. Stop. Explain again. Start cleaning up for parents tonight. Students ask why. Explain. Free time. Students all want/need/want something. Talk. Talk. Explain. Play Uno. Clean. Phillips mom is picking him up. Calls again, no he is taking the bus. Calls again no pick up. Get kids on bus. Bells rings kids leave.
Try to track down Phillips mom and New 6th grade girls mom. Find Phillips mom. Talk about Football. Wait with New 6th-girl. Wait. Mom comes.

3-5 Go to other job for 2 hours. Eat in the car. Parents night at 6-8:15. 3 parents showed up. (2 of my old students - best part)


>>Wow. Today my head is spinning. I'm tired. But I wanted to blog so I remember how good I am. How I can handle anything.

Back Back Back

>>Officially back to school. I was ready, except for the fact that after each day this week where I had students (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) I was beyond exhausted. I wanted   needed a nap. I was over come with sleepiness and luckily stopped myself from sleeping and instead went to bed at an acceptable 9 pm. Not to mention we had over a week of 100 degree weather I was spent. But, I was ready.

>>The dynamics of my classroom have changed quiet a bit this year [as it seems to do every year]. After 4 rowdy boys graduating last year, I now have an almost even number of boys and girls. THIS IS AMAZING. In special education there is almost always more boys than girls. Times in the past I have only had 1 girl in my class. This year I actually have a entire period with JUST girls. They are peaceful, fun, giggly  and just enjoyable. Also my class is moving toward the more severe end of the special education spectrum. But this is enjoyable too. We get to do a lot more functional academics which end up being way more fun. I am just excited. This is the first year where I have NO nerves before the first day of school. I rocked it. I covered rules, made fun get to know you activities AND completed all of the beginning assessments I needed to get done. I have already put up art activities for next weeks back to school night AND made goal binders for all my students.

>>let's get this year going!

Ack

>>A few weeks ago I went to check my work email because well.. I have issues and obsessions and I CANT not check it for more than a few days (even though I'm sure people will say I am crazy) I received an email from our director special education stating that some how a 5th grade Resource teacher, put 9 new incoming 6th graders into SDC (my class).
Before I go into the scariness of this, I will put some background into the continuum of special education.
>>So, in terms of placement for students and children the least restrictive environment is general education. This means having all the students classes with the general education students and classes.
Then, comes resource or RSP - This is for students that usually have specific learning disabilities. Students that are capable of attending regular education classes without aide support, but their reading and math skills are below grade level. They usually just attend special education for 1-2 periods a day (Language Arts and Math)
Then comes my class - SDC (special day class)  My students have a greater need of support. Have lower reading skills. Need support in all general education classes (but are capable of being in there). Usually have more than 2 periods a day in special education.
Then another type of SDC is functional skills. These students learn skills to function in the world. Laundry. Shopping. managing money. making lists. using public transportation. etc.

>>many of my students could possibly handle a bit of resource classes and a bit of functional skills. We are the middle jumble.
Anywho, after reading this email I proceeded to freak out. Starting next year with 20 students? With 11 6th graders is almost impossible. It is mostly impossible because my 6th graders attend general education PE, electives, and science. 11 SDC student cannot attend the same periods of general education classes. Usually 2-3 SDC students in one period is enough. It is overwhelming for the aide in there AND very overwhelming for the general education teacher who has to modify curriculum for them. So, what do I do? I will have to split them into groups of 4 and put them ALL in different classes. THEN, this means I have 20 students in my class during 7th period when I have all my students in my class. I am beyond upset at the 5th grade RSP teacher that did this without contacting me. Another 5th grade RSP teacher emailed me during the last month of school and I attended her students IEPs. I put in my insight as to their classes next year, and i was even able to say "no, this student should be with resource". Why wouldn't t his teacher do this as well? 

>>My director of spec ed. is upset because this should not have happened under her nose. But, who knows what will happen. We are going to meet and discuss the students next week (yes during summer) to see what we are going to do. I am trying my darnestt not to flip out but I do not know if I can handle 3+ aides again and 20 students. Ack! Keep calm and carry on.. isn't that what they say? 

summer

>>It is summer. It has only taken me 2 almost full days to decompress and relax. It took me getting away from home and staying elsewhere for me to really really feel it. As predicted the last week of school was almost hellish. I was so disorganized and out of control that it was over within a second and I felt my kids run off to summer without so much as a hug (it felt like) Last minute IEP's that havent been affirmed, goals that need updating, T.A.s that did not get cards, aides that did not get recognized, 8th graders without presents. I feel badly that so much was slipped through the cracks. I got roped into reading off students names at graduation, so for at least 2+ hours Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I was at grad practice. I am not sad I did it. In fact, it made me feel more like part of the school than I have the whole 2 1/2 years I have been there, but it took time. It took time away from my other students. Granted, I will see most of these kids next year, and my 8th graders needed my time and attention this week. But I hate to leave other unattended. I say this every summer. I worry about my kiddos when I am not able to see them everyday. How do I know they are being taken care of? Eating? Showering?

>> Monday I got home at 6:30. Tuesday had an hour and a half IEP then rushed straight to our staff party, and then didnt get home until 8. Wednesday was picnic day, got back to school at 530, went out with teacher friends and didnt get home until midnight. Final day of school grad practice, random parents showing up at school to "chat with me" about IEP stuff. Running back and forth craziness. Kids running off when the bell rings. I worked, went home, changed and went to graduation until 9 at night. Craziness . ( I know, how many times can i say that?)

>>During the last day of school, Nick came up to me and asked: "Hey, Do you think sometime this summer you would want to come watch me ride my dirtbike?" I told him Of course I would! I would love to! His face lit up. Later he came up and said, "yea know. I don't know if you will be able to find the place. How will you find it?" So, I gave in. I looked at that excitement and I wrote down my cell phone number. I explained that he should feel very special because I do not give this out to anybody. I said he should not abuse it, but give it to his mom when he got home and Call me sometime this summer so I can come watch him ride. Later, he was on the phone with his mom and he said "I ask miss ___ if she wanted to come watch me ride my dirt bike this summer! She said yes! I have her number so I will give it you when I get home"
.. worth it.

Sam. My little Sam. One of the few I have had all 3 years. All grown up. Had brain surgery just months ago, and he's back and full of life. He came up afterwards and said, "but can't I have your number too? What if I have an emergency and I need your help!"

How do you respond to that? Apparently I am a sucker.

3 1/2

>> 3 1/2 more days of school. Bittersweet.. crazy. fun... so many words can describe how I am feeling. My new student left as quickly as he came, and I never had a chance to really reach him. 4 days is hardly easy to connect with a kid, especially a kid who has moved around to many schools and puts up a tough front. I feel badly because I went into the situation angry because getting a new student the last 10 days of school hardly seems fair. (to me, or the kid) I didn't give anyone a fair chance, or a fair shot but, I am happy to say we survived each other. It's depressing to know that the 5 days or so he was with us, were the worse behaved my kids were the entire year. One student can change all the dynamics. Sad.

>>This week is going to be crazy and busy. Monday I have a IEP, and work after school. Tuesday last IEP of the year and the school staff party. Wednesday is picnic day, and Thursday is the last day of school and graduation. I have 5 kiddos leaving me this year. And I think I might just cry during graduation. Sad.. I don't want to think about it.

New student

I know I mentioned a new student in my last post. Ahhhh he started yesterday. And he's proving to be difficult. It's so hard to have someone come in and mess up the good relationship my students have with me and one another. While dealing with his dispectful attitude and I turned to continue working with nick and he replied "hey.. At least it is only 10 days and not the whole year" kids are so on top of it.

I feel badly. I hold no love for this student at the moment. I know if I had him for a whole year it would be different, but when on the second day you're in my class you are calling me a bitch and my students care about me enough to come tell me then you are not good for the juju in my room. We will survive and I will kill him with kindness and hope that I can win him over in the next 10 days.

Internet issues

Internet issues so I am posting from my phone. Excuse the short post. 12 days left of school. I am getting a new student on monday. Yes. 12 days before the end of school. When we are supposed to be having fun, enjoying the days before summer, enjoying the last time we will see the 8th graders before they go to high school I am getting a new kiddo. Apparently he has a lot of behavior problems, but we will make it through.
I am already going through withdrawals of my 8th graders. I am going to miss them so much next year I can hardly imagine what it's going to be like. These guys make my days better and make my job fun! A few of them I have had since they were 6th graders. I have watched them grow up. I am proud of the people they have become. An I hope that I know them in the future.
Teaching is tough business. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

End of days

>> We have exactly 22 days left of school. In exactly a month we will be saying good bye. This will probably going to be one of those hard ones. This is the first group of kiddos I have had for all 3 years. Watching them grow up and change and learn. I am going to miss them, and I am going to worry about them.

>>Sam is back at school with a big ol' scar running from ear to ear. He is taking life in strides, but has retained his sense of humor and good attitude. I am so glad he is alright and that nothing more serious (well, except brain surgery) had to happen.

>>I went to my first out of state conference this past weekend. A few colleagues and I got to fly out of town to attend the Love and Logic seminar. The difficult part of this was that this is a parenting class and 3 out of the 5 of us that attended do not have children. I guess in the near future we will teaching district parents the steps to Love and Logic. There was a lot that was very interesting. But, again hard to implement in my classroom. One item I did like was telling my students "I love you but I'm not going to argue with you." My students at first were weirded out, but it came down to the fact that of course I love them. They thought this was hard to believe. I tried to explain that there are different types of love. Love that you feel for your family, your friends, etc. And I care and love them all very much. I actually think this made them feel happy and special. Many people may think it is weird to tell their students this but in my room it is a whole different world.

>>I talked with Sam for almost 30 minutes today about his family and his parents fighting a lot. He has told me aboutr this before and things are more difficult now that his sister is home. We talked about this and I let him tell me about how he was feeling and what he thought when his parents discussed divorce. Carl had to add in that "this is school time not personal talking time". I explained to Carl that this class is different. We sometimes need help to talk through difficult situations, and sometimes we just need someone to listen. I exoplained that I never expect him to tell me anything personal about his life, but if he ever needed to just talk I wouldnt hestitate to listen and be there fo rhim. I love this aspect about teaching. I love the good relationships i have with my students. I enjoy being there for them and I wish there was more I could do. I don't look forward to June when 5 of them graduate and then I need to worry and wish I had a way to keep in contact with them. I swear I need like a teacher facebook so they can be my friend and contact me. I wonder if anyone has any ideas on how to make this work.

>>So many funny things happen daily in my room that I wish I could just tape them all. I think a twitter is in order - Will update soon and let people know what I find out.

Spring has sprung

>> Spring has sprung in my classroom. I know I haven't posted anything of substance lately, but quotes will have to do. THe boys in my classroom are in full crude middle school humor. Enjoy. Carl: It feels like techno music when my heart is beating. -- Nick: I heard all the girls in high school are stuck up... so there goes my chance. -- (while using magnetic poetry) Carl: Pull up.. I need pants! -- Seth: I have an innie outtie! (pulls up shirt and shows bellybutton) -- Seth: DId you know that some elephants get indigestion when they eat peanuts? -- Carl: Yes. This is your penis.. I mean pencil! -- (Bell rings to go home) Jamie: HAPPY DILDO DAY!